herlucidlife

Meeting new people at work. A young man caught my eye. Hired at the same time, I was not focused on this person at first though I noticed how physically attractived I was to him. Going on about life, things seem to bring us into the same circle of friends. An avid daydreamer, I was off to the races in my head. Having heard snippets of this person being in a relationship, I could feel myself brushing off what I’d heard. 

Hearing it again multiple times from the person was not enough, I still played devil’s advocate because my mind wanted whatever it wanted. Receiving a random message on SnapChat. I had no clue who the person was but I messaged back. Thinking it was some random person, I was not super intrigued to find out who it was. Over the course of a week they revealed who they were. I was shocked! I had no clue this person was on my SnapChat and I on theirs. Messages went from off and on to more consistent then to all day and night. 

I’m not one to ignore my feelings, shooting my shot anyway in spite of knowing the information. Though he blatantly said he’s in a relationship, it didn’t stop the communication. Rather it seemed to become more honest. Something about being honest allows for the space to be authentic. I was no longer wearing a mask. Trying to lock out what I was feeling. The vibe is immaculate. The hard work has begun, closing the emotions off when that person reaches out. Forbid fruit is always rotten.

I’m having a hard time believing he’s just a friend because my emotions and thoughts are far from friendly. Looking for my person. I often think how can I find my person when I’m doing something that is wrong, yet feels good. Looking for him in all the wrong bodies. Playing with fire in the past has always gotten me burnt, I doubt this time will be different. Knowing I need to back away. I keep going. The further I go the more authentic the energy feels. The energy, vibe, or what used to be called chemistry can be very dangerous. 

It fills the rebellious nature inside. Rebellion has always been selfish at the root. It cares for no one and nothing. Something I don’t want to be yet seems to run toward. I’m not fleeing. I know I need to run for the hills. Something in me feels it won’t be that easy this time.