herlucidlife

Exhausted physically and mentally. Checking out, binge watching television. Ignoring emotions and feelings. Vulnerable, stuck and down on myself. I’ve been questioning whether I’m doing all I can. Am I truly being a productive member of society? Am I truly doing all God wants me to? There are times when it feels I’m doing well but there’s always a part of my life that is going undone.

There’s always something underneath. My blog is not a light heartfelt thing someone should read when they are looking for something airy. Sometimes the depth can be draining yet it’s what lies underneath. Sometimes it feels like I’m simply trying to control the symptoms. I know deep down the root is being dug up though painful and uncomfortable. 

I’m looking for moments of solace and comfort but they prove to be fleeting. Taking a break because I’m exhausted at simply doing my best to live a good life. I never considered how draining living well could be. My mind was not prepared for healthy living really. It’s not the actions but more so the intentions that are being highlighted. My intentions with some things are incorrect thus leaving me feeling raw because I can no longer stand the backwards thinking. 

There are times when it can be easy to lie to myself because it removes responsibility, something I’ve taken a heavy dose of in the last couple years. Nothing quite removes the discomfort except just walking through it and getting to the other side. Making amends. I’m at the point in my recovery where I’m beginning the work of making amends to those I’ve hurt. Taking responsibility for what I’ve done only. I haven’t begun step nine, procrastinating what needs to be done. Getting to the other side will be when I feel a little more freedom, a little lighter in my bones. 

I’m simply causing myself more stress by not moving forward with step nine. Some amends may be easier than others, yet I’ve often run away from having hard conversations. Difficult conversations are necessary to live a well rounded life. They can’t be sugarcoated or tiptoed around, straight down the middle. Confrontation is a healthy part of life, something I’d like to avoid. Avoidance and unmet expectations created resentments that I needed to let go of. Making amends is the next level to true release. 

I won’t get weary of doing good because I know there’s something better on the other side.