herlucidlife

I stayed in bed too long. My mind went into the trenches, a dark and lonely place. I reached out to another addict and they helped me get moving. Getting out of bed around four fifteen in the evening. Cleaning the house, going to do laundry. My mind felt clouded. My mind was having a hard time letting go of the physical urge that had crawled into my skin. 

I had to stop myself because I was immediately looking for a way to cater to the craving. My body wanted it more than my mind did. Yet it would not have taken long for both to come together and be soiled. Making my way to my home group N.A. meeting. I wasn’t going to go until my fellow recovering addict suggested it. 

Walking into the meeting, feeling at home. Being greeted, getting hugs that are genuine. Something about a genuine hug can allow emotions to begin moving. Sitting in the meeting listening to the words, I felt this need to share. Pain shared and pain lessened. I knew that if I left that room, knowing the way my body was craving, I was for sure going to cave. 

Sharing in a meeting is like asking for help. I didn’t want to watch porn yet my mind was having a hard time letting go of the craving in my body. Leaving the meeting sharing my peace, receiving encouragement and hugs from other ladies. I felt full, driving down the highway to the gym, the tears began to well and stream. I needed a cry. 

All day I’ve been struggling bringing God into the mix. He held my hand regardless for sure. Yet it was so hard crying out to God. Usually when that happens, there is a sin that I’m actively engaging in that is blocking our connection. As the tears rolled down my face, I could feel my defenses come down and my heart being met. No words, just feelings being released. 

I need God so much today yet I couldn’t speak it. Every time I thought to pray my mind would sweep it away. God met me anyway. He met me through others, He met me with a clear mind. He met me in the midst of it all, He wiped away the feeling while allowing me to crawl through it. He met me even though I couldn’t speak to Him. He heard my heart crying though my mind was mute. 

He still met me. God reminded me today that words aren’t always needed to cry out. Sometimes, it can be tears or simply trying to do the right things in spite of the emotions inside, or it could be staying in bed too long.  Whatever it is, He heard me. I write these words late at night with no craving in my body. His grace is sufficient because I went the whole day with physical craving to watch porn and I didn’t. Not because I was strong enough but because God helped me, gently and quietly through the day.