herlucidlife

For weeks I’ve been distant. Thoughts, cravings, ungodly things tucked under the skin. Obsession, compulsion and defectives are different yet they feed off each other. The defects of ego, arrogance, selfishness, justification, and envy have been rearing. The obsession is the craving to physically release through porn. It’s the constant thoughts of a man that does not belong to me. The compulsion is knowing that if I watch porn the muscle to stop is not strong. It’s knowing I should stop talking to you yet every Snap message is a hit, another drug. 

Will I ? Won’t I? I keep going back and forth. The voice of God and friends tickling my ears, knowing I need to ask for help, knowing I need to distance myself. I keep wrestling, struggling, walking under the pressure. I need to let go, I want too, I don’t want to. The back and forth is as horrible as the action itself. Only torturing myself, there are things that I keep sucking myself back into because it’s all I know.

My mind is still not understanding how to wrap my mind around certain things not being an option. Not using drugs? Yes. Not watching porn ? Eeh. Not talking to someone else’s boyfriend ? Depends. I may not even post this blog, it might be too personal to post. Too raw to not receive judgment. Believe me no one else’s judgment can be worse than what I’ve already given myself. The internet can be a mean place but so can the thoughts in my mind. 

I grew up learning that certain things were sacred but along the way nothing became sacred. Everything became subsequent to change and alterations. I may never want to read these words back, some blogs are hard for me to proofread. Reading my words back can be a gut punch of convictions, pointing the finger at myself. Hearing God minister to me. I know I’m loved and wanted. I know perhaps there are defects in me that are prolonging the things I really want for myself because I’m not ready for them. 

I’ll destroy them. Chew them up and spit them out. “Them” being the good things that are waiting on the other side of healing. Can you get to the other side of healing when what I need it the most doesn’t seem to click in my head? I keep turning to the only toxic behavior I know. Yet it’s no longer the only behavior I know, it’s simply the only behavior that’s comfortable.