herlucidlife

I need to write, to spill out my soul as though no one may read these words. My mind has been swirling, jutting from every direction looking for something, anything to remove me. There are times before I create I can barely speak God’s name, so I breathe. I close my eyes, let out a deep sigh and begin processing emotions. Let’s paint the picture.

Urges, cravings clouding my judgement. I want to be close to someone, anyone but there’s no one here to attach to…and I don’t mean friends. Talking most days to a man that is unavailable further deepens the sensation of being unwanted. Yearning, longing for something resembling anything real. I fake it in my mind because all I have is fantasy. Behind my eyes, nowhere safe to place these feelings. 

I’ve run away from God in the midst of my dirtiness. I know I can go to Him but something in my mind has told me I can’t. I keep going down this path. Man is the drug I’ve been missing and it’s not him but rather “what” and “who” he represents, something that is not obtainable but so dreamt of. The thought brings the blood to a boil. I want to unleash but I can’t. A silent torture, holding myself to the flame becuase I don’t have enough self control to remove myself from the fire. 

Sitting in my thirst, parched. Cotton mouth looking for something to feed the lust. Struggling for as long as I could. I ordered a little forbidden fruit right to my door step last night. It’s never the solution, only a temporary fix that creates bigger holes. In my head, waiting till the next day to use it. I used, abused. I watched naked bodies I’ll never know. I threw myself into a hole. I further deepened the place where self pity lies. Nothing productive about pity but more pain. 

Not only have I not removed myself from that person’s life, I brought another poison back in. Every time I think I’m done I’m not. I don’t even like to speak and pray about it anymore because why? When I could do it again. Sadness looks different every time. This time it looks like trying to mask feelings through retail therapy, eating, listening to music I don’t usually listen to. I’ve been avoiding anything that reminds me of God, even though just waking up in the morning reminds me of Him. 

This is a long one. My life, my emotions, my thoughts, my behavior, my habits, I am way more messy, muddy and grimey then I ever thought possible. Something is changing, I’m not sure what, but something.