herlucidlife

The word “strict” was used when speaking of the change my diet needs. I’ve never been strict on myself with anything in my life. I’ve never taken the option of leeway off the table. In my mind there is always room to do what I want. The words “moderately high cholesterol…pre-diabetic.” The amount of room I give myself to wiggle will be my downfall. 

Usually a water only girl, I’ve been drinking too many juices especially soda, my body can not handle it. Allowing myself to indulge in very high fatty, salty and processed foods has been putting a hold on the progress I want. Outside of working out and eating moderately healthy, the unhealthy further derails the good. 

White and black. White can only stay white when it mixes with white. Yet mixing white with black, turns it gray. It can never really be the purity of what it was before. I think of my health this same way. I can eat healthy things but the moment I eat something unhealthy it hinders the goodness. Goodness is not able to truly be efficient. Granted this is only when speaking about food. Nor do I believe this is a one size fits all, simply what I know fits for my body and thoughts.  

Time, blood tests, constantly experimenting with various foods. Every time I see it does not matter how long I was eating healthy, it does not matter how long I went without processed, sugary salty things. The length of abstinence does not matter when indulgence is extreme. I never like to say that it’s another aspect of my disease of addiction because I hate giving it so much power.  

Yet when I look at the cycle, the obsession and compulsion to keep going though the consequences are great. To continue doing a behavior that is actively harmful and the proof has been showing in my body, there is a mental defect. I made a therapy appointment. I focus so much on going to the gym, doing recovery things, and trying to be as spiritual as possible that I purposely put my mental health and physical health on the back burner. While still faltering on the spiritual and recovery. 

My mind turns a pea into an eggplant. Small daily changes to my habits are all that is needed. Nothing drastic needs to occur. I simply need to be mindful, diligent and consistent. I get scared when I hear information. I like to push things out of my mind then when I’m reminded, reality can seem scary. Yet reality lets me know God has given me another opportunity to do better, to be better. My betterment gives Him glory. 

I know I can be consistent. The lie: I’m missing out on some grand experience of life by not indulging in unhealthy things. The truth: unhealthy things will keep me from the wonderful experience of healthy living spiritually, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I