herlucidlife

It’s okay to let go. Letting go of drugs was a huge thing for me. The daily reminder that I can never use drugs, have a drink, take a hit from a blunt has been a catalyst to hold onto other forms of my disease. I don’t want to let go of porn. I don’t want to let go of sugar and salt. I don’t want to let go of processed foods. Letting go of drugs took so much out of me and still does that often I think, “I can’t possibly let go of that too.” 

The truth is I can let go. Taking a break from writing to get plugged into my health app and log the necessary things needed. I have moments of pity yet they fuel the moments of revival. The pity party reminds me that I am more capable than I give myself credit for. I forget that the capability does not come from my own power but from God. Even when I’m running away from Him due to shame and guilt of my actions, He still shows up for me. 

He still shows up and reminds me I’m His and nothing can remove His love. All the good things I’ve done, He’s helped me. I need Him to do well, to overcome my will. My will kills me every single time, whether it happens right away or overtime. Nothing about God kills me, the only thing that needs to die are the selfish ways of living for myself. My evil desire, the emotions, the rebelliousness is bleeding me dry. 

I often feel like I have nothing left to give because I keep giving energy to things that are not productive. God is good. I have the opportunity to do well, God willing I’m doing my best to get on the right foot, the correct path. Growth is not linear but it’s messy. Regardless it is possible and that’s all that matters to me. I see the way is possible, possibility is really all I ask for.