herlucidlife

Crust still in the eyes, mind blurry reaching for my phone to pull up another website that should be blocked. Walking through the day with some heavy emotions. In the cool breeze I could feel the thought of you creeping into my mind. Sticky, tacking into my mind. I feel your hands on my skin, your lips on mine. Gazing into the night sky, floating toward the house. 

I recently heard that you shouldn’t miss someone that knows where you are. The sad part is that my emotions never caught up to that sentiment. My mind will go days, weeks even months with no regard to any emotion toward you then I somehow float back into the fold. Love songs whining through the speakers. 

A vivid dream of your arms wrapping me into a tender embrace, a smile coming into my heart. It felt new and fresh, not tattered with the hurt of the past. You’ve been sitting in my mind as I think of the amends I need to make to you. Fearful that you won’t answer my text. Fear that you’ll ignore me like before. Sometimes I think I miss you. Other times I think I miss what I thought it could’ve been or perhaps I miss what it represents.

Focusing on myself, doing what needs to be done for my physical, mental and spiritual well being. You creep in under the tender midnight sky, sprinkled with stars. I wonder, are you seeing the same moon ? Or am I alone with these thoughts ? I hope you’re having them too, whether I know it or not. I know nothing, even when we were together I only believed what you presented. 

Thinking perhaps it was all a lie, my emotions say that the only thing that was real are my feelings. Sometimes I think if the opportunity was present I would want to start over. Then I think how could I possibly give another chance? The internal battles go full fledged in my mind as I do my best to focus on the here and now. I keep myself from looking at your social media, stalking and looking for clues that really don’t exist. 

People say feelings are not facts, but can they be a fact when they don’t change ? When they don’t alter because the circumstances were heart breaking ? Can feelings be facts when they aren’t dependent on the other behaving the way I want ? I sound lovesick, honestly some days I am. Other days I’m soaring high above it all not even considering that these emotions ever existed. Just another level in my process of moving forward. 

Recovery is teaching me I may have to look back in a grave effort to move forward and that’s okay too.