herlucidlife

I’ve been making small changes in my life.Changing the way I wear my hair. Doing my best to not watch porn. Showing up on time for church as I do work. Working recovery to the best of my ability. I’m chasing internal and external transformation. Doing my best to not leave God out of my life, it’s only because of Him that I have life. I’ve been noticing as I choose different and healthier things how I’ve been keeping myself stuck by thinking I have to be a certain way all the time. 

I was stuck in a rut and didn’t know it. I was continuing to do things that were harmful because it was what I’d always done. I was choosing to do things that seemingly worked because it was all I was used to. As I began taking in different perspectives, outside knowledge on certain things. I’ve been able to tailor some changes to fit my lifestyle. I’m beginning to reach a deeper level of intimacy within myself. 

I’ve always pursued intimacy with a man yet I’m beginning to see the intimacy I was missing was the one with myself. I was missing the joy of feeling my curly roots. Doing little hobbies because they spark joy and nothing else. Looking forward to picking up paint supplies to have a craft night with music. I’m learning to grow out of the rut and into myself. 

As I grow into myself, I’m finding it a little difficult to stay in the community around me. I go through ebb and flow. Some seasons I want to be around people while others I retreat and pour into myself. There are times when I struggle with this as I don’t leave a lot of room for new people. Pouring into myself has grown discernment just a little. Driving home from a meeting, remembering there was a phone call I needed to return. 

A new person in my life, my spirit feels uneasy around them. Having only had two in-person encounters, this person leans on me for support in recovery. Still trying to get their footing in life. Something feels off. Is it discernment or selfishness? Praying, asking God what He thinks, I was having a hard time hearing His voices amidst mine. 

I want to be of service yet not against that small still voice. Something is going on, I’m not sure what, though it will be exposed.