herlucidlife

Smiling in my face, saying all the right things. Though I need to make amends for the wrongs that I’ve done, it doesn’t lessen the pain of the wrong he did. I can’t look at his part without looking at mine too. Music playing in the background, my mind getting jumbled because I’m having a hard time getting to the root of my emotional response to you not being in my life. 

My mind has been foggy, darting back and forth. Looking for anything that gave me the feeling you did, nothing and no one has come close. Chasing wholeness, still there are little pieces missing and I believe you have them. Will you give them back if I ask? Or must I continue creating news pieces of myself to cover the holes?

Truth is…I’ve been silently working and waiting. Working to be better. Waiting for you to come back. Waiting for myself to come to you. I’ve been working to look different then the way you left me. I’ve changed, is it enough to be loved ? I can be myself this time, not something I think you want. The deeper root is I’m scared to be myself around most people, especially you. 

Reality is none of that matters because you’re there and I’m here…and that’s what hurts the most. The galaxies between our  lives further remind me that I’m doing life without you and you’re doing life with me. I’ve lived through things you have no clue about and vice versa. Time has passed, perhaps my emotions have changed more than I think because all they have to hold onto is the past. 

The past is like an imaginary vapor because along the way my memory has distorted what actually happened. I’ve done my best to move on with dating, no luck. I bury my head in the sand, progressing in recovery, healing spiritually with God doing my best to not fight Him. Healing physically, eating healthier than I ever have, cooking meals at home, working out consistently all in an effort to forget you, even down to getting accepted into school. 

Mind you, I only speak of my own emotions because I have no clue how that person thinks. To my knowledge I have not for even a second been thought of in any way since that day of removal. This whole experience has taught me that I don’t need validation from others to feel my emotions fully. I validate myself by crying, by moving forward the best I can, by thinking of you with fondness and hurt because never in eternity could I hold hatred toward you. 

Growth is knowing I don’t need to spiral to feel. I don’t need to contact you because you crossed my mind. I don’t need to feel ashamed or like I’m not doing enough. Processing is not linear, I’ve been riding the roller coaster hitting every destination. Some I was not expecting while they all were granted through God’s will. 

I know as I keep walking this road, what and who needs to find me will.