herlucidlife

It may not seem like it but I haven’t written a word in weeks. I’ve been keeping things in my head. Feeling as though I have little to say. These moments are scary, often thinking I’ll never write again? Or has the road come to an end? Never thought I would be creating for this long. Only by God’s design He’s rebuilt my sanity over the years. 

My mind has been rather quiet. Taking care of my home. Rebuilding the connection I have with family, while doing my best to not fall into the old habit of being distant. Preparing some amends for friends. I get a little in my head about amends. There’s a nervous energy that creeps in my bones before making amends. I want to run, hide under a rock and tell myself reasons for why the amends shouldn’t be made. I think too much time has gone by, or maybe what happened wasn’t that bad.

I hurt many friends when I came into recovery. I got the idea that some people could not come with me. The program teaches in order to stay clean we must change people, places and things. They were not simply using friends, these were people I had none for years, way before using drugs ever began. 

I’m at the part of recovery where I’m bringing people into the process. Sharing my wrong behaviors. Acknowledging how my wrongs hurt them. Committing to changing those behaviors daily. Commitment is pushing past the default to accomplish something better and deeper. Making amends is a muscle I had rarely used before recovery. I thought an apology was fine. 

As my life went on I realized the words are only half the battle, the change in behavior is the other. Without a behavior change the words are empty. Yet only a change in behavior with no verbal apology leaves the air broken because the knowledge of the wrongs has not been shared to the person that was hurt. 

Each amends is treated with care, intentional with my words. A written apology as to not trip over my words or say something out of turn. These words are important because they are the foundation to a better relationship. A relationship without baggage, the slate wiped clean. The air has been cleared, the roots have space to grow deeper. 

I’ve learned it’s important to do both. Neither is more important than the other.