herlucidlife

I rarely listen to love songs. I protect my ears the best I can with Christian music. Sometimes love songs bring out another level of healing and shedding of emotions. This time I don’t feel behind, I feel right on time. You were the first heartbreak since being in recovery. No drugs to cover up my emotions. In the past I would have drank myself silly. I would have smoked till I couldn’t get high. Today the only option is to live. 

The other side of love hurts, gut wrenching nothing left but a powdered heart on the ground. Unrecognizable, I had no choice but to change because I had to rebuild who I was. The crazy thing is I would love you all over again with no hesitation, if you asked. You haven’t asked. So I sit continuing to allow God to build me into a woman that does not consider you. As I do that I will allow myself the moments needed to grieve quietly, replaying the old and creating new things that deep in my heart I hope happen. 

Every time I get to a point where I think I’ve moved on, it seems something happens and I realize I haven’t moved much. Every love song reminds me of you. Every love scene makes me think about what could have been. The “what if” is poison and I’ve been drinking it ever since you left. I don’t blame you for leaving, whatever the reason. I hope it was a good one. 

I was myself until I wasn’t anymore. My life began to center around you. I chose to make my life about you. I lost my identity willingly. I was so scared to lose you that I lost myself. Suffocating, squeezing so tight, I know I did too much too soon. Looking back, you did nothing to make me think that was okay. I vomited my affection on someone that I thought wanted it. It feels rather embarrassing and desperate. 

I should have been more cautious. The thing is I don’t believe love is cautious. I believe it’s reckless, grand and small and everything in between. I never regret the way I showered  myself over you, I only regret not being true to myself. I didn’t allow the real me to be exposed because I didn’t know who she was. I have a better handle on who I am now, though sometimes it feels she changes more quickly then my mind can keep up. 

I have no doubt that when I share my amends with you it will be the next level of freedom that needs to happen.