herlucidlife

The word “desperate” has been circling in my mind. Watching a YouTube video of a young lady she mentioned not behaving desperately when dating. The thought has been swirling in my brain. Have I been acting desperate when it comes to dating ? It grieves my heart to think yes. Giving access and attention to men that either want something from me or need an ego boost with no true intention in sight. I’ve been behaving desperately. 

Been dating since seventeen and I never considered I was behaving in a desperate way until recently. Current behaviors and thought processes have further deepened my awareness of why I choose to date. Peacefully riding to work, I had an out loud thought…I don’t want a man around that is not bringing this same amount of peace to his own life. My peace is often unsettled when I begin dating because I choose someone that has no peace of their own, so they siphon off mine. 

Leaving the interaction often depleted, drained, and uncomfortable. I leave feeling ransacked, mentally, spiritually, and physically ravished. I do not blame the men, they operate out of the only system they know, whether intentional or not. I signed up for the course, I agreed to the interaction knowing it was no good for me out of fear of being alone. I left myself exposed thinking I would be covered. I left myself vulnerable thinking I would be loved. 

Nothing wrong with these young men, we simply wanted opposite things. Rather speaking up for what I needed and wanted. I held my tongue thinking they would change or shift to my liking. The only thing that shifted was me in a downward spiral, turning into someone I didn’t like. I was so eager to have something that resembled love, I settled for something that did not meet my needs. I had no patience, no voice, I thought being compliant made me more likable when really I was hurting myself. 

Also hurting them because I would throw a tantrum when I didn’t receive what I wanted. I never spoke up, I never shared my expectations. The problem was not the man, it was me allowing desperation to be the driver, rather than faith. I had no faith that God was bringing something greater.

Having been single for almost a year. I’m finally able to sit down, doing my best to rest and relax. Moving slowly through this time. Doing my best to enjoy the moments alone, just Mimi and I. While enjoying the quiet moments of my life I ask, do I really want to be in a relationship? Truth is some days it’s no, other days it’s yes, other times I’m not sure. I keep living through the days to the best of my ability.