herlucidlife

Writing your name in the google doc. Writing the first sentence of my amends to you. I could feel my heart beat quicken, stomach feeling queasy, feeling the urge to throw up in my throat. I clicked out of the document. I couldn’t do it, not right now. I may never be ready to share this with you but I will because walking around with this weight is too heavy. 

Working the steps helped me see how much I hurt you and put you in a position you weren’t ready for. I needed to change my perspective because all I could see was how much you hurt me. Truth is we both did things we should not have. Unfortunately they happened, I will do my part and clear my side of the street. 

Sometimes one person having the courage to stand up gives the other person space to do the same. I’m not looking for an apology from you. I am looking to give you my apology. I’m looking to accept my wrongs and share them with you, if allowed.  I’m not assuming you will accept anything I have to say. I’m not expecting you to even allow me the time. 

I do know that I have to make the amends even if it’s through a direct message that is never seen. A message that is later deleted or an unanswered phone call. I will make this amends to you. I’m praying God has prepared something to happen. Whatever that thing is, I’ll accept it. I’ve had to accept you’re leaving, I’ve had to accept my emotions and how the process can be slow some days and other days it can be nonexistent a mere figment of my imagination. 

I will keep moving further from the knowledge of you and one day I will look up and the thought of you will no longer matter, it will no longer carry any weight. Until then, I keep walking.