herlucidlife

Walking to my car, sliding into the front seat, closing the door behind me. Reaching to put the key into the ignition my eye saw a little note tucked into the crack of my side mirror. Thinking it may be poisoned. I left the note in the window, driving to my destination to hang out with some girl friends. Dropping my friend off at her home later that night, I completely forgot about the note. Talking with my friend, I pulled the note out and read it aloud to her. It was a sweet note from my neighbor. A young man I see from time to time, saying hi and bye. Living one door down from me, our rapport was very short yet often enough for him to gather an interest toward me. 

I was flattered, a little shocked and hesitant. I tend to make the wrong decision when it comes to men because I put myself into a corner thinking I need to be a “certain” way. Having left his phone number on the note. I waited till the next day to reach out, getting a reply right back. Our interaction was nice. Right off the bat I could tell his interest was nothing more than sexual, though I wanted to give him a little more time to show himself. Going on a late night walk to the park, the conversation was smooth, nothing too deep just right. 

I could tell he liked me enough yet I could tell I liked him no more than a friend. Over the course of a week I found myself reaching out first just to be given the brush off. I naturally pulled back. Being single and without sex for over a year has really helped me see I do not need to chase, manipulate or give my body to receive “love.” I am loved because of who I am, my body is simply the cherry on top. Classes had begun, in full effect. He reached out asking if we could go for another walk, the next day I had to cancel the second date. I haven’t heard from him since. I was hesitant to tell this person I really was not interested in a second date though I do not mind having friends. 

It was only by grace that I canceled the date. I’m at a point where receiving a relationship is not a priority. I’ve spent so much of my life looking for the “one.” Putting myself in a situation that only caused harm, I was behaving so desperately. I used to look at my past self with embarrassment but now I look at her with compassion. She was broken looking for a man to heal, broken people attraction broken people. The woman I am now appreciates the rest I’ve received emotionally by focusing solely on my life. I know that person is around the corner yet, I now know I can not force that meeting to happen. 

It can only be brought by God, until then I enjoy the still quietness of my life. I enjoy the activities of my mind, body, soul and spirit. Dancing in my kitchen, my little cat watching me intently. These private moments with simply God, her and I are precious. One day these moments will be no more, so instead of wishing them away I sit in them with gratitude and joy. I marvel at the peace and calm because what a healing sensation it creates to know I am whole.