herlucidlife

Lately, I’ve been reading about double-mindedness with the root cause being rejection and rebellion. As the author was going through the causes of rejection, I have experienced many pockets of rejection, some at the start of my life. I’m learning a lot of my addictive tendencies such as drugs, porn, over indulging with food and being gluttonous are all signs of behaving in rejection. 

I did not know these actions were rooted in rejection. The emotions of being abandoned, fear of not being loved, fear of not loving has created space in my soul for these things to fester. In turn I substitute these actions for the other because I’m ultimately trying to push God away. Rejection has taught me the toxicity of pushing others away or getting others to push me away. 

Deep down I believe I use those same ways to try and push God away. I’ve been internalizing the rejection for too long. Reading 1 Peter 4:7 “now the end of all things is near; therefore, be serious and disciplined for prayer.” It made me think about how I run away from God and isolate myself when I’m feeling the effect of rejection. Whether the rejection manifests itself as insecurity, low self-esteem, self accusation, lust, perversion, addiction, fantasy, ego, depression, perfectionism, judging and nitpicking at others and myself. 

I see that I was not praying for the correct things to be healed. I was so focused on the outward manifestation of the root cause that I was not paying attention to the root. I intellectualize things when what I’m dealing with is a spiritual brokenness and that may not always feel intellectual. I may not always feel it in my mind, though I believe things can linger underneath the surface of “feeling good.” 

I’ve been feeling great for weeks like I’m on a pink cloud, yet I’ve been at a tug of war inside. Constantly going back and forth, will I or won’t I watch porn. God’s grace has been keeping me staying the course, though some days are rather excruciating. Everything in me wants to make the plunge. This book Unshakeable has been breaking the mold of why I thought I watched porn. Often feeling rejected before and after I’ve watched it further entangles me in the things I want to be free of. 

Double-mindedness keeps me going back and forth between God and the world. Back and forth between flesh, toxicity and clean living. I can’t have both and I’ve been suffering trying to hold onto both. I thought I needed to surrender porn, and yes I do. Yet I need to surrender, rejection, loneliness, self deprecating thoughts, the lies I tell myself. I need to surrender, accusing myself and playing victim, judging others and nitpicking. I’ve been asking for the symptom to be removed, but I have not prayed for the root to be removed. 

Sadly after reading all I have, doing my best to allow things to penetrate my heart. Allowing my mind to be transformed and renewed, I still want to partake in the action, “just one last time.” That is only true if I’m going to seriously choose one side. I don’t need to dabble again to know which side I want to choose. God said, “we can not serve two masters” and still with stubbornness I keep trying too. Some thing will give, and I believe it has to be me.