herlucidlife

Classes have started. The emotions feel raw, felt but unnamed. It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve written anything. I haven’t been processing my emotions. I’ve been holding them in because I don’t know why I’m feeling them nor do I know what I’m feeling. Overwhelmed, overeating. tired, looking for homeostasis. 

I’m grateful and thankful to be in school. Glad I am taking 2 classes instead of more. Thankfully my dear friend calls to make sure I’m awake. Help does not mean the responsibility is not mine. Several days have gone by since the “period” was placed in the last sentence. I’ve gone through hard emotions, low self esteem, hard financial decisions and back to the top. 

Adjusting. Looking hard at myself and making room for the things that mean the most to me. Consumed with finishing class assignments on time, doing nothing else but meetings, class work, sleep, work and going to the gym. I stopped writing, I stopped doing step work, I stopped reading my bible, several weeks since I’ve done either. I stopped doing the things that fed me spiritually and emotionally. 

Sinking in the well of emotions, feeling buried. I could physically feel the rope around my neck squeezing tighter…yet no noose was in sight. No smile on my face, feeling as though I needed to give up. I actually called the school to possibly withdraw from a course, not an option I thought about removing myself all together. Waiting on hold for the young lady to retrieve some information, I could feel the tears welling up inside, the thought of leaving school felt more unbearable than staying. 

It was at that moment I knew I was on the path God has laid out for me in this season. In a short time I’ve learned perseverance breeds joy, not at the onset of the destination but the reality of knowing I’m pushing through is bringing gladness. Courage is being exercised because though I tried to run away God helped me make the ultimate decision to stay. I thought God had me on this road to become a therapist. I now realize God is using this process as a tool to exercise some things out of me. 

It’s uncomfortable. I’m learning to re-work my routine and allow space for the things that only need my attention. I’ve also learned I am a way better student as an adult, I genuinely want to learn the information to apply it not just to my client but to myself. I can see my life in some of the books I’m reading. I love seeing God work through every avenue of my life. He constantly is showing me that I am seen, heard, called, loved and kept. 

I don’t always have to be happy and smiling brightly. For the past couple of weeks, my smile was gone, crying in the arms of a dear friend from N.A. I could not muster enough strength in my facial muscles to even think about faking a smile. I kept riding the wave. I kept doing what I could to get through. God reminded me that I’m doing it. Even though it felt like I was drowning, God was actually helping me swim. Though it felt like I could barely breath, God was continuing to move breath through my lungs. 

Though I felt overwhelmed, God was showing me it’s okay to switch focus in order to readjust.