herlucidlife

What a wonderful gift to see another birth year. It took me thirty-two years on this earth to finally begin applying the lessons I’ve learned. I’m seeing myself apply discernment and faith and patience and understanding. I’m finding myself leaning on others just a little bit more and allowing others to rely on me. God is so good to me. He is better than good to me! 

He allowed me to reach this year because goodness knows I did my best to kill myself slowly. I did everything I could to take myself out, yet God only allowed the pain and hurt to be a stepping stone into something bigger. I look back over my life, I have no regrets, nothing I would change. Though events shattered my heart over and over again, yet somehow the spirit stayed intact. 

Receiving so much love and appreciation on my special day. The person that made me feel the most special was God. He is here, moving things around that I don’t see, couldn’t fathom and would have never been on my mind. When I think life is standing still God is moving in the details that are unseen and sometimes unnoticed, until a situation shows that I’m moving and thinking differently now. 

I look for love in the right places today. Every birthday there was always something I wish I had, whether that was a relationship, a tangible item or something to be different within myself. Yet this birthday was so different because I wanted nothing at all. For the first time I didn’t feel like I was missing out on life. Yet I can say with confidence I live the life I know I should be living today. God has blessed me with everything I need and want. He granted me with great friends, great family and good food on this wonderful birthday. 

I felt loved, seen, appreciated and beautiful. My life today is one that I never want to run away from. Of course there are experiences I want to have and hold. I’m actively working on obtaining those dreams. As opposed to in the past my dreams were a prison because I allowed them to keep me trapped rather than setting me free. Waking up early to enjoy the full day, feet hitting the carpet at seven thirty this morning. Snuggling into the sofa to spend time with God. 

The apartment is quiet, my little cat softly purring. A little chill in the air, turning on the heater. I couldn’t help but feel excited, relaxed, and at peace. Looking for nothing. Truly just wanting some food. God granted food. I’m content with the seemingly small things. Yet those things are big to me because I know they only happened because God heard the little details of my heart loud and clear. It’s easy when big things happen because those things are more known. 

Yet it’s when the details unfold, the things no one knew about but you and God. When those things come to life, they feel larger than the universe because once again God whispers… “I hear you, I love you, I see you, and you are kept.”