herlucidlife

Sitting on the floor of my apartment, attempting to write amends to a young man from my past. Self-esteem was very low today. In my head, feeling as though I am not deserving or worthy enough for the things and people I have in my life. Being transparent, I want to speak to a young man I think is attractive at my gym. I felt so good about myself until the decision to speak was made. Since I have felt as though that person would not like me. 

Truth is I have a hard time finding value in my body, so I assume others think the same way. I project my broken mindset onto others. I know nothing about this person, though I do know about myself. I know that I am beautifully made because God made me. I work hard to look a certain way. I work overtime for the life I want, internally and externally. Overthinking, preparing myself for the worst, while fantasizing about the best. 

I keep myself in this bubble because I am scared of going for the kind of person that I want because I think that person would not want me. Truth is I’m still learning how to want me. I love being in my company. I love my spirit and energy. I know who I am and I shouldn’t allow the hurt pieces to keep me from being all that I am openly. I want to speak to the person because I think they are attractive. 

I do not want to be in my head, if anything it is a compliment to him. Even when I’ve received that kind of energy whether I thought that person was attractive or not, I always saw it as a flattering compliment, so I assume that person would feel the same way. Once again my mind feels so full it’s foggy, tired, and confused as to where to begin to even process the emotions. 

I used to be so good at processing emotions and now it feels as though I process nothing at all. I’m simply going through life holding onto things. The day started off medium and mentally my mind went lower and lower. I couldn’t help but feel down on myself, for no reason at all. Still struggling with porn, wrestling with God, not ready to let go fully. Crazy trying to hold onto poison while crying that it’s killing me. 

Forcing myself to watch when I don’t want to. Forcing myself to speak to someone out of fear of missing out. Is that really a good reason to speak up? Some part of me wants to speak while another wants to say nothing at all. Sometimes I do nothing at all because I’m not sure what to do and I no longer want to bring people into my brokeness.