herlucidlife

Making the last few amends, I looked him up on Facebook. It’s been four years since I’ve seen a photo of you and the most unexplainable emotions come into my mind and heart. The first was empathy for the way I treated you. The second was remorse for the way I never cared for you the way you needed. The third was concern because I really hope you’re better after me, though that isn’t always the case. 

The fourth is willingness to sincerely make amends to you and your family. No matter what you did, the way I behaved was heartbreaking and careless. I used to look at your photo with pity and now I look at it with remorse. So much ruefulness, once again I messed over someone who simply was looking for genuine care. I hated myself and in turn I began to hate you too. I couldn’t muster up enough love to fake it even for five minutes.  

I was so deep in self loathing, pity and hatred I couldn’t see you clearly. I wanted to change you because changing myself seemed damn near impossible. I wanted to control and mold you because I felt so out of control and unreachable. My heart ached and I could not comprehend why I allowed your actions to influence me in such a way. I’ve learned, sometimes protecting someone is removing yourself. I removed myself after the hurt had been created. 

To my ex-husband, I greatly apologize.