herlucidlife

Where do I begin? Do I begin with the content and calm I feel within myself? Or do I begin with how proud I am of myself? It’s been a little over a month since I’ve written anything. Simply going through life. Having felt very overwhelmed the last time I wrote anything. School had just begun, my period was about to start and the emotional imbalance from my hormones shifting was causing a drowning sensation. Tightness was surrounding my neck. Looking for something to relieve the stress. 

Thinking it would be best to drop a class, I called the school. Standing in my kitchen chopping vegetables for lunch, a young lady’s voice periodically comes back onto the phone to advise me on how to move forward. The choking feeling felt even tighter around my neck. The thought of dropping a class felt wrong yet right. Wrong because it felt disobedient to what God has instructed. Though it felt right because I would be going back to a familiar way of life. 

Food in the oven, still on the call with the school. It boiled down to two options, either keep both classes or withdraw all together because financial aid would not pay for just one class. Making my way to the floor, hands in my head as the young lady waited for my reply. Tears flowing down my face. I knew I was doing exactly what God had asked because the thought of going backwards was more troubling than continuing to go forward. Making the decision to keep both classes and make it work. 

It worked. My friend helped with ideas to get a better handle on school. After the first four weeks, I found a rhythm. I knew when I needed to have reading done in order to complete the assignments on time. I stopped highlighting when I read because it more than doubled my reading time. Simply reading with no highlighting dropped my reading time significantly and I began to be more efficient. Coming to the end of the eight weeks. Completing the last assignments with time to spare. Looking back the growth was in the journey of adjusting, relying on God. Allowing myself to be teachable and open minded to how God is using education to further prune my branches. 

Sitting in a meeting sharing about the overwhelming emotions inside. Crying on the shoulders of the ladies in the rooms. I remember sharing that perhaps getting an education is not about the end goal of being able to practice and receive a job. Perhaps it is about what God is undoing in me. Undoing procrastination. Undoing only relying on myself and learning how to ask for help. Undoing complacency because I had become tired with the way life was going. Undoing being comfortable because always being comfortable does not breed growth and transformation. 

I’m allowing God to undo me in order to bring me closer to Him. It’s wild when I rather be undone by God than kept by myself.