herlucidlife

A young man that lives one door down from me found some interest in me. I gave it some bare minimum attention to see what kind of person he was. Once I learned his intentions did not meet the life I’m living, I politely removed myself. Just because I removed myself does not mean he still does not try. Doing the best he can to prompt me to the other side. My feet are firmly planted on the decision that I made to walk away. 

So many times in the past, I forced myself to stay knowing it went against everything I wanted for myself. I would cause hurt for myself and the other person because my intention were to seek validation and attention. I no longer have to live like that. I no longer seek attention from men to fill a void. I no longer need validation and an ego boost. I stopped. Tired of the harm I was causing. I was damaging men because I knew I never wanted more, I knew it was not going to work but I agreed out of my own brokenness. 

Forcing myself to be a person I didn’t want to be, doing things I didn’t want to do. But no more. Instead I removed myself. Instead I gave my parting response, gave him room to share his thoughts and gently walked away. I no longer feel the need to respond when he texts because I’m standing on the parting message I gave. My intention to care for myself differently has not changed. Though he may not like it, I’m also protecting him too. Boundaries protect everyone involved, even the person that does not like them. 

Polite, neighborly exchanges still occur when I see that person in passing. Being authentically cordial while still standing my ground and not folding when an invitation comes my way. I’ve been single for over a year and for the first time, I’m not chasing after a man. I’m not degrading myself for “love.” Instead I’m protecting myself out of true love. I’m trusting myself by not putting myself in dangerous situations. There’s something so free about being single by choice, instead of being chosen out of desperation. 

I was desperate, scared that I wouldn’t find that person. All the while I was losing the most important person, me. I was giving this precious, gentle, beautiful soul away to be trampled by men that could never love her because I was too desperate to wait. No more. Instead, I’m waiting and while I wait I’m working, changing and evolving. There’s no love more precious than the one you give yourself, as it affects the way you love every single person around you. I’m precious, gentle, and remarkable. 

I know it to be so because God told me. I know it to be true because I’ve done the work to believe the truth. The lies have been debunked.