herlucidlife

This time of singleness has created a wholeness within my body, soul and spirit. Pieces of myself have been regained. I hadn’t realized how much I had given away until I began reclaiming those things. The hand of God quite literally saves my life every day. Making amends has been the greatest spiritual awakening of my life. Admitting the exact nature of my wrongs to family, a couple friends, and old boyfriends has allowed a huge weight to be lifted off of my shoulders. Most responded while others went unread. 

The response was not nearly as important as the action taken to remove the offense and resentment. Letting it go. My mind does not go to the past as often. I no longer sit pining for a certain ex-boyfriend anymore. I no longer romanticize past relationships. I no longer mule over resentments in order to keep the anger alive. It’s so exhausting keeping resentments fresh that I created because my ego was too fragile to take the truth. The freedom felt has been awakening. 

I hug tighter. I love more freely, without constantly questioning or living with anxiety. My mind is fixed on the present, enjoying each moment and person. I’ve learned how to debunk the lie and rely on the truth. When I feel an old thought pop-up I gently remind myself that we took care of it, I can put it down. When I feel a sense of embarrassment when I think of past situations, I gently remind myself that it was handled, it’s no longer needed. I talk to myself with love and gentleness. I struggled with kicking myself for years. 

I live with more gentle fullness today, speaking to myself with love and courage. There are a couple amends that need to be fulfilled. I’ve been working on the amends for my ex-husband. I hurt that man very deeply and in turn I cut myself with the knife I put in his back. Going home for Christmas to visit family. I’m going to do my best to locate him and face-to-face read my amends. Each amends I’ve done has been over the phone or via text as none of the people on the list live close to me, nor was I willing to postpone doing the work of making amends at the off chance of trying to physically locate them. 

Yet something in my spirit is saying I need to make this amends in person, if possible. If I’m not able to locate him then I can send it via text or direct message. This amends is one of the last things needed to reclaim another part of myself. Lastly, there is one more old boyfriend that needs amends. I never knew how much I gave of myself and now that I’m regaining myself, it’s taught me to be more intentional about who I allow in my inner circle. I am precious and I will be the one to treat me as such.