herlucidlife

Since I was seventeen I’ve struggled with porn. Yet before that it was only fantasy and my body. Very young I learned I loved the way my body felt when I touched it a certain way. Along the way my usage progressed to masturbating and watching porn. After over a decade of doing both, I almost couldn’t fathom giving up both. In the past month I’ve worked on regressing, simply removing porn while still masturbation as a way to get back in touch with my sexual femininity. 

I’ve tainted my mind for so long with porn, spirit empty and bruised. I noticed sex with myself feels more personal and intimate when I’m not watching porn. I noticed I’m more aware of my body and I’m getting back in touch with the mental exercise of fantasizing about what I want. It’s no longer a mindless action, but an intentional encounter. I no longer masturbate for hours, rather I experience myself the way I want to with purpose.

It seems to be removing the shame and guilt of sex. For years, I’ve always felt guilt, shame and disgust with sex. I always felt dirty and unclean. I couldn’t get past it, nor could I fully enjoy it. I’m still learning to remove the stigma within myself. So a month ago I decided to remove the thing that was creating the guilt and shame, porn. Since removing it, I’ve felt more intune with my body and spirit. 

Surrendering both was too hard, then I reminded myself that it can happen slowly over time and not all at once. Perhaps at some point I will let go of masturbation too but for right now letting go of porn has been the right thing.