herlucidlife

Watching a YouTube short video while eating an apple. A young lady was speaking on the cultural idea that we own our bodies. As followers of Christ that idea is wrong since Jesus bought us with His blood. She later spoke on the action of modesty being a tool that can aid in relieving lust of the eye and mind. 

Listening to her speak got me thinking of the way I view masturbation. The last post may have given the idea that I think masturbating honors God simply because it no longer includes porn. I told myself a lie. Though I haven’t watched porn in a month, I still masturbate in the closet as if I want no one to know, not even myself. 

There’s still shame in it. I talk myself out of it to the best of my ability. Not feeling as burdened, the weight is still there to some degree. Letting go of porn was hard, yet letting go of masturbation affects the urge to scratch the itch. For years I thought I had to give up both at one time, there was some kind of relief in knowing I can do it one step at a time. 

Yet and still, I can’t live with the lie I told myself. Something is definitely being removed within me. Pieces of what I gave porn are coming back very slowly. It’ll take more time with masturbation. Until then I keep surrendering porn. I keep telling myself I no longer have to watch. I keep telling myself the progression of growth is happening. 

In turn I prolong the time in between masturbation sessions, really checking in with myself. Is this something I’m using to cover emotions? Am I doing it to distract myself? Or am I truly feeling a case of the hornies? Those questions help me be more intentional. Rather than telling myself no, it’s a “maybe later.” The biggest win is not watching porn, one day at a time.