herlucidlife

The relationship with myself has always been damaged. The view and perspective I have of myself has always caused very harmful thoughts and decisions. Choices that have led to even more ugly behavior from me. All throughout childhood and young adult life the idea of having a relationship with myself was rather foreign. I wasn’t sure what it meant nor was I sure how I operated within the system of me, myself and I. 

Yet somehow I managed to live life with very little regard to this important relationship. I boiled it down to doing what I wanted, until what I wanted started harming me. Yet I had no clue how to start over. Being in recovery for a couple years, looking at myself in-depth, the relationship is lacking in some way. Not every decision is healthy, not every thought is uplifting to the soul. I think about the intense love I have for a man when I fall in love or that warm fuzzy feeling I feel when I am at the feet of Jesus. Those feelings do not translate to the relationship I have with myself. 

How does the relationship with myself affect the small, daily decisions and thoughts that can often go unnoticed? The ones that go unnoticed scare me the most because they can hinder everything. Especially since I won’t be looking to change them until those small decisions cause too much pain. For instance, does the food I choose to eat show love ? Does the way I show up in my recovery show love ? Does my relationship with God show love for myself ? Do the hobbies and ways I spend my free time show love? When I see someone that is attractive whether it be a man or woman, do the thoughts I have show I love myself ? 

Sometimes my actions show love and good connection. Other times they show self-loathing, something that is so easy to go back to. I’m doing my best to live life with more resistance because I want growth. Taking a path that is not easy. Working step nine, looking at the things I’ve forgiven myself for. I had a hard time answering the question at first, adding a little bit at a time over the course of days. I’m seeing I do have a relationship with myself and I’m learning  that it is getting stronger. I am growing within myself. I look at myself with more empathy, concern and goodness.

Surrendering certain behaviors has really helped deepen that love. I’m learning how to trust myself and keep my word. It’s so easy to keep my word with others but with myself I often falter and it causes me to not trust myself. I wanted to cut out sugar, and mindlessly bought cake. It’s so scary to see how engrained unhealthy thoughts are. I do not like it and it’s going to take time to change. Yet I know it is happening.