herlucidlife

Every now and then he comes to my mind. Someone from the past that has not been in my life for a couple years. Having sent my amends. I know I am free, yet and still my mind finds his aroma a little sweet. Praying for the strength to let go, I do. The pain isn’t as heavy as it used to be. Empathy and compassion is a lighter burden to carry. I look at the past knowing that it is simply a figment of my imagination. Driving to work the other week, he rolled into my mind. 

The disappointment is more heartfelt now. It took some years to lessen the anger. I look ahead with gentle excitement, moving gingerly through life no longer in a rush, no longer feeling like I need to have it all together because Lord knows I never will. In the past I used to day dream of the person I thought I had, now I know I only had what they wanted to share. I look back with disappointment for how it ended, not that it actually ended. 

In order to find that one meaningful long lasting till death do us part love that means all the ones before have to end. I suppose it included that one too. Sometimes I feel a twinge of sadness while other times, I feel rather trapped by the love I hold for someone I never really knew. Then I pause and think, are the thoughts about him loving to who I am today? The young woman I’m becoming is moving forward and letting things go because it shows greater mercy toward myself and others. 

I can’t hold myself hostage with thoughts of him, yet I continue to tie myself into a knot every single time he runs by. This letter will soon go on my website, it has been the longest I’ve thought about him in a long time. Usually the thoughts are fleeting, lasting only some moments. It’s not the time span that matters but the emotions felt when it occurs. The way I wanted to cut him down a few pegs, now I only look to build up. Not only did praying for him help but praying for the renewal of my mind then doing the work to foster the development…priceless. 

I’m learning to give things that are costly. God wants things that cost me everything because those are the things that touch my heart the most. It’s so easy to give up things that don’t matter or don’t hold much weight. Yet, what good would it do for God to hold the light trash while I hoard the true treasure for myself. He wants the much. I’m learning what is costly to me then I’m asking for the willingness to give it up. It’s hard, some days are grueling while others days are simple.

 Either way, no day looks the same, and still I look at the thought of him and think…thank God I got to experience a love I’ve always dreamed of. Whether it was genuine or not I got to experience just a simple glimpse of the love I’ve always wanted and for that I am very grateful.