herlucidlife

All throughout my trip this man was on my mind. I was told the hardest thing to remove from your heart is a person. Having once held space in my life that season is now over. Still in my heart and mind. Driving down the road to work, speaking with myself I needed to get to the root of the thoughts. 

I never knew that person and I definitely do not know them now. Their behavior then was simply an act of godliness but denying the true power of Christ. It was a show of seemingly correct behavior but lacking a true working relationship with Christ that was bound in love. I miss what I thought the relationship represented. I miss who I thought he was. 

I miss the godliness I thought he held. I miss the innocence of the relationship because sex was very little. It’s been hard kicking the thought because I never really connected with a man spiritually and emotionally with sex being the last thing. I saw the very reality I wanted for my life. Looking back I see the bare minimum. Imagine how beautiful the full strength version will be. Breath taking. 

I know the personal work I’m doing right now is worth it, I’m being created into the godly woman that will attract that truly godly man. I’m learning to foster the qualities I’d like him to have. I’m also fostering the strengths I will need to balance out his weaknesses. I had to remind myself that I do not want the man but what I thought he represented. The two are different. 

The man was a poser, fake. Acting godly while not authentically yielding to the relationship one had with God. Doing right was an ego boost, a way to judge others, it had nothing to do with being obedient out of love for Christ. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, even till this day that person would never acknowledge me which shows arrogance and lack of care. Though I was wrong for having been too anxious in my attachment style, giving too much too soon. 

Looking for too much out of someone who didn’t really sign up for that. Doing my best to keep changing, growing and evolving. It was a reminder to myself, it’s not about the person, it’s about what the dynamic that was created. I can not wait for my person but will work patiently cultivating and becoming the person I want and need to be, not only for him but for me. 

I do the work for myself because I am the only person outside of God that I spend every waking moment with, I’d like it to be very enjoyable.