herlucidlife

The ten year anniversary of my mother’s death is coming up. I always wondered where I would be when the time came. Nothing where I thought I would be yet grateful for where I am. It’s wild how life can feel like a homey twilight zone. Different yet the same all at once. The past has shown things have changed, yet somehow life can feel like nothing has changed at all. 

I still see her smile and hear her voice in my head. Looking at my uncle’s hands, I could see her hands. Her strong hands had learned how to cultivate a life she wanted. Sometimes I felt like there was a life she wanted to live but was too fearful to do so. As I’ve gotten older I’ll hear things about my mother that do not match the person I experienced. I love the version of her I received and I never want anything to taint that image.

Instead of allowing it to break the wonderful image I have of her, I simply see it as my mother becoming more human to my mind. She was a young woman like myself. Doing her best to live life, raise a child and run a home while allowing God to lead her life in every area. Nothing more admirable than that. Humanly she would have had so many different sides, we are dynamic creatures. I’m thankful she hid me from certain parts of her. 

As an adult I realize that some things can be traumatizing to a child without even knowing it. Words, behaviors, certain looks, comments and habits can get engraved in a child that could allow destructive behavior to become more accessible. This is my humble opinion. Yet I understand how her individual system greatly affected me as an individual and us as a family unit. A full decade later and the pain of her passing is not nearly as great though the love has never left. 

It’s an odd form of grief being so far removed from it. I never thought I would get here and now that I’m here I can’t help but feel something indescribable. I miss her, though I can’t imagine her in my life. I want to hear her voice again, though I can’t fathom talking to her as an adult. I want to laugh with her yet I can’t comprehend in what universe that would be a possibility. So crazy to think that at one point I couldn’t imagine life without her and now I can’t imagine her in it. 

Time and work really do change the emotions centered around grief, if allowed. I know as life continues to ebb and flow the goodness of God will flow like a never ending river coming from His eternal well that never runs dry.