herlucidlife

To the girl that still thinks of her ex-boyfriend:

For a split moment I almost missed him. For a split second I almost caught myself thinking about who he used to be. I absolutely hate it, loath that you still cross my mind. The thought of you makes my stomach hurt. I looked at your Instagram to remind myself that the reality of you was never who I wanted. I never knew you then and I don’t know you now. Yet somehow my heart has managed to hold onto a small glimmer of hope that you’re the person. But you can’t be.

This year marks three years since we’ve spoken. Three years of no contact. Three years of dealing with the pain of you just up and leaving. I want to cuss you out at the thought of even typing these words. I’m so angry at you. You deserve none of my thoughts, you’ve done nothing to make my heart hold onto any amount of hope. Why are you here? And why do I keep you around? It’s sickening. The hole you created has not fully grown back. My self esteem still has not fully recovered. My self worth still feels subpar. 

How could you? How dare you! It doesn’t make sense, I thought I was so careful but you were as fake as AI. I could sit here and say it’s not about you, it’s about the energy I felt when with you, so how do I separate you from the thoughts of you? I haven’t mastered getting over it. It still hurts. My worst nightmare is replaying over and over again, on loop. I try to tuck it away but it keeps playing in the back of my mind when I’m unaware or when I’m doing my best to enjoy the present moment. You’re there. 

I found myself watching those videos on YouTube trying to explain why someone is always on your mind, trying to find hidden reasons for your return. Reality is I was not important enough for you to stick around so you left. Typing the words hit hard but I know they are true. How cruel you must be! How damaged you are! I’ve prayed more than I can count yet you’ve never left my mind. I’ve pleaded with God to take you away. I’ve protested and prayed through the madness of it all and still I am plagued with thoughts of you. 

Will I ever look back and simply think “oh well.” Sitting on the floor of my apartment feeling my fingers fly over the keyboard, I can’t help but think of how beautiful I am. How beautiful my heart must be to still hold care for you. To still hold concern, though underneath I hope you get a paper cut then burn yourself with hand sanitizer because you forgot the wound was still there. I used to pray for your wellbeing now I pray for nothing at all. Feeling so many emotions at once can have a numbing effect on the mind and body. To the point where my body feels weighted, my face motionless and my brain exhausted.