herlucidlife

I’ve been single for almost three years, this last year I did not date though I attempted twice, nothing came of it. In that time span I began not wanting to date and focused on enjoying my life as is. The Lord, me, my cat and my community. About a day ago I created a Facebook dating profile to see what was out there. Oddly I feel uninterested, bored and rather “over” the whole experience. No high hopes, no excitement about meeting anyone it’s almost as if my desire to love and be loved has changed wildly. 

I think to myself, “sure I want someone to love and love me back” then in the same breath I think, “I would hate to share my life with someone (gag).” Now that I’m actively looking I’m noticing the latter is way stronger. Every guy that seems to have what I would like is not physically attractive to me. The act of swiping through people feels demoralizing and inhumane to both them and me. It all feels rather tacky. 

After just a couple days I’m already thinking of deleting the profile because the way I simply do not care, feels like another distraction that has already run its course. I watched porn the other day and immediately could feel the hole in my heart. The hole began to grow before I picked up the screen, further grew as I watched and became whole once complete. I’ve been transitioning from unhealthy to healthy. It’s been difficult in certain ways, the way I notice most is the act of self degradation. 

It’s easier to degrade myself when I feel I’ve done something wrong. It’s easier to sit with hard emotions when I’ve acted out. It’s excruciating to sit with a broken heart, with broken ideals and a broken perspective when I don’t believe I’ve contributed to them. I’ve worked overtime to combat them while dealing with the lies that still swirl, it’s a full time job. Before I started writing I asked for the humble act of being transparent. I’m seen and heard here. I’m touched and understood here. I’m important and purposeful here. I am me here. God meets me here faithfully without fail, over and over, no matter what. Give it up to the Lord, He deserves the glory forever and ever. Amen.