herlucidlife

Why’d you have to come and wreck the healing I thought had formed? Why’d I let you in deeper just to have my heart feel so heavy, it was already dead. What’s two more kicks to solidify the dying ? You weren’t supposed to be in front of me, misleading to get the desired target, she didn’t know. The woman you call my wife is not the woman you said, “you fell in love with.”

My soul feels too far gone for saving, her husband, the love of my life, is the one that could literally kill me with one look of longing. Two bones that feel love so deeply it could tear the earth apart, no those bones should never be in connection. Unstable emotions aren’t housed well in unhappy homes. Supposedly, I’m worth it you say but yet you still found it appropriate to tell me over margaritas, behind her back. 

Snake in the grass because I want you anyway, snake in the mud because you’ll never tell her how you lied to her face and that I helped you seal the deal with a caress. I don’t even want to confess these words, never thinking I would swing so low for, “love.” But true love wouldn’t have snuck, or lied, or did anything that could cause someone else harm, no this isn’t love, it’s deceit for selfish gain. 

Heathen in sheeps clothes, I have half a mind to tell her so she can know that you crawled in the grass looking to entice a flame that never went out. Devious because liars shouldn’t be able to pollute those that are honest, I want you to myself just so you can look another way, mm I wonder what the consequences will be for this one ?

Shiesty undercover is to hurt someone’s feelings under the disguise that it was unintentional, good people think of their behavior calculating how it could affect others, they turn in the direction that suits all. I’m not that good person, I knew I acted anyway, because just maybe my love for you is worth the hell I’m creating. Thinking it’s noble to let her live in the dark, it’s cruel to let her think she has your heart. It’s vicious to dangle your deepest emotions in my eyes just to say I’ll never have you. 

Seems like maybe you want to be wanted rather than doing what it takes to move correctly. I’ve already destroyed my home, the love that was shared is crumpled, but maybe you’re hoping to save yours. Maybe it’s scary how much you invested in your life and time with her, maybe you have regret for not slowing down, maybe you have turmoil for not being free when I’m free. 

I’m literally wanting you to leave her for me, this isn’t real life ? This isn’t the person I ever wanted to be. Many mornings over, I’ve looked at myself in the mirror to not recognize the soul that looks back. I want to love myself, yet I keep hurting, I keep breaking my own heart. The care I show myself is based on conditions, conditionally I love myself more when actions are godly. Unfortunately, I slid back into the spectrum of toxic behavior, so care is lacking indefinitely. 

Playing with my emotions you just want to be wanted by someone that you’ve always wanted but you’ll never complete the steps to have, it’s too risky, I get it. Funny because I risked it all, unknowingly it was for you, but hey! Don’t risk anything for me, stay over there in your lawfully deceptive unhappy union, because that’s what you really want. A devil in brown skin, I’m unholy.