herlucidlife

I like to think that healing only takes months, but then I remember that it takes a lifetime including death. Though I’m letting go of current things, the roller coaster is bringing another load. Never stopping band aids are added until I reach the golden gates, I pray You let me in. I’m reminded of the time it will take when that part of the circle comes back around and it’s your face. I don’t feel very loving but showing any sign of caring could be taken the wrong way, as what you probably think of me, so it’s easier to do nothing. 

I keep moving forward even though my mind is trying to look at all the things that could go wrong. She’s finding things maybe don’t add up or may cost more than expected. Though the mind is bothered the body is light moving forward with plans of obedience. My body normally steers me toward the correct path while my mind overthinks the instructions and then decides to find another plan. Training the mind to be more like the body, taking loving orders from God, moving accordingly consistently.  

I’m beginning to wrap back around, the mind is gaining a second  wind, and you’re the illegal substance. Hadn’t been drinking the correct water so humanly and spiritually I’m arid. Literally a nut case. I really don’t want to care but I do, so I won’t show that I care instead. Purposely keeping myself from coming to Your Throne, I’m not good at this. I’m not good at letting go, I’m not good at keeping you off my mind. 

I only wanted you, even back then when you wanted to focus on grinding, when you wanted to focus on getting to the bag, I was only ever focused on you. Never liking to wait on others, I broke my own rule waiting on you, waiting on you to do something you never meant to do. Committed to the idea of commitment I guess you just didn’t want it with me, and I didn’t want it with him but with you. Crawling through the stages of getting “through” you, there’s really no telling how long it will take, and who will help me measure the gravity of my performance, you?

Love had always caught me off guard even when I was looking for it she came in packages I wasn’t ready for. All flawed and damaged none in the same exact way, they all mirrored something that was broken in myself. I’ve always had a clear view of your heart, seeing things that you’d like to keep hidden. You came to see me because you needed to see the person that saw you the most. You needed to be seen, to be felt in the soul, you needed to know that you were still seen as special. You needed to be loved without words by the person that loved you without condition. 

I hope to see you never again while my heart prays to see you every night in my dreams and every morning in reality. I hope to never hear your voice again while hoping that God gifts the soundtrack to your vocal pattern. I hope to never love you again whilst yearning to give everything to you just one more time.