herlucidlife

Today is your birthday, this post will go live way after the fact. The older I get the more I feel like you, the more I stand similar to you in the kitchen with my leg cocked to the side for balance. A visionary in rare form, you understood the power of knowing Who you belonged to and how that knowledge could change the trajectory of life. No secret you’re missed, the aura you still hold, I feel the spiritual connection being your daughter has not changed the relationship. Still my mother, I feel you from the heavens. 

Not looking for business I suppose the gene runs in the family. I get a little nervous putting my heart on the line for its beating to be evident. Things have been heavy on my chest, totting around like garbage. I’m still feeling irritation for things that happened years ago. Not healthy, has forgiveness taken place when negative emotions still fester?  Feeling dismissed, I shared myself with you after she left this earth, so eager to mother me you missed the assignment of being available. Sitting in your office, unsure of the services you specialize in not wanting to turn down help, it felt unneeded and forced. 

Not skeptical of the field more so I was doubtful of your genuine intention to assist. Wet behind the ears is a characteristic I’ve never fit too, yet you seemed to think I needed your guidance after her departure dressing it up as grief guidance. Possibly speaking out of turn something in my stomach felt a knot of tension like I was trying to appease someone that didn’t hold a title in my life. Trying to give motherly advice I was taken aback by your blatant disregard for how you threw in my face the smoke inhalation. Funny I never needed anyone to tell me I was wrong when God told me everyday through conviction of the Holy Spirit. 

No, I needed simply a listening ear, not a chastising ear looking to guide someone that was shut off to the lead because of her mothers absence. I had accepted a long time ago that only one mom would be in my life and no other woman would ever fill, substitute or could even come close with all the godly wisdom in their heart, as adults things can be left or taken. Choosing to leave your help on the table, the gut doesn’t believe you’re genuine. Playing for show, your number never comes across my screen unless it’s her birthday. Seeming to act like you care so much for my being that’s still present it’s all for display, you’ve not found yourself checking on anyone in the six years she’s left. 

Maybe harsh, the one action God has taught me well is how to move away from people that have snake innards with sheep like covers. Maybe jarring, too much life has gone by for me to see that your presence was not needed and God Himself would have to tell me otherwise, granting wisdom from above to resolve the emotions I carry. Not wanting to care really it’s the way you seemed to care so much for her while true intent was glaring after her leaving. Hearing things from those in the inner circle, seems some nastiness may be present. People change if allowed to be touched by God. I’d have to allow Him to touch this area of my life for anything to dissolve. 

Her spiritual friend, meeting at the doors of the house of prayer, the flesh in me is fine with good riddance yet the spirit is wanting God’s will to be done whatever that entails. I pray for an open heart of obedience.