herlucidlife

The reader may think another human is writing but no I have spectrums so wide only God can see both ends. Liquid courage had entered my body to commemorate the birthing of my dear brother. The correct environment always brings up ghosts I’d like to forget existed. Weekend crooning into my ears every melody reminds me of your being, wanting to wreak havoc on your mental. I just simply want to vomit every expression onto you then walk away. Telling myself I don’t want to speak to you when really I do, yet I’ll not receive the love I want. So I demote my emotions to never wanting to hear your opinion again.

No hatred really I just want to hug you, letting you know I’ve always been here even though you’ll not ever come to me again. Trust broken, smashed into crumbs why would I want to love someone that’s untrusting? Why would I want to call you friend when you’ve built narratives to make me question every intention?…Foolish? Maybe, when really I just miss you, yet I don’t know who I’m missing or do I miss the feeling you brought my chest? Not sure I stay my distance because snakes bite anyone that looks like an enemy. 

Your view of me twisted sour way before I ever opened my heart, not sure when I became more than a friend. I still don’t know your emotions toward me. Wanting to open the barricades for both people on both ends, yet I know you’d bring nothing to my life but confusion so things have been left the same. Shut away from all prospects, singleness delivered through divorce I like living without attachment. I like forming a life that has prints only from God and myself. Maybe selfish but I wouldn’t dare look for anyone that Jesus didn’t bring to my doorstep, oh yes purpose puts me in position to meet those God has intended to enter my life. For sometimes, when off course I mingle with flesh that could’ve severely damaged the blessing on the inside.

Yet can anything from God really be defiled when it’s covered in divine protection? Rather it’s been fortified by the Creator to be exactly what it was called to be…good. Only wanting to be good to you, things in your spirit don’t know how to handle goodness, you’ve only dealt with darkness, that’s all you know. Yea, I almost knocked on your door just to split your wig open but it’s not godly to torment someone for selfish pleasure because I can’t get anything else from you but cold shoulders and silence. 

Thinking you had won, it’s slightly my pride keeping me from you because I’m so sick of you believing you can treat me any kind of way and I’ll stand still. No person, not even yourself deserves that type of intentional negligence. I keep going over the past, the present and the possible future because really I’m just hurt. Only human, sore in the heart sadness has sunk in and really never wanting to believe you would do it. It was always in your wheelhouse of  character to be the ugly guy, take that term loosely as you’re human too. 

I’m not sure if you’re oblivious or just so shook with detriment that you don’t know how to be well. Or are you lucid and you simply just don’t care? I may not ever know, no longer looking for you to be honest or genuine I look to the spirit to guide my feet away from your aura. Thirty days of abstinence from your energy, I know the road will get easier…it has too.