herlucidlife

Being wanted can become dangerous and addictive if not taken with caution. Men are daunting, housing no good vibes for me at the moment. Leaving my tongue curled back,  bitter to the taste I’m moving away from every person of interest giving interest. Envisioning my future self, at the age of fifteen I thought life would be vastly different. Always pulling from my current self, back then bone straight hair and mommy were my world. Thinking my ground wouldn’t shift too much, it’s the details that really alter everything. Hoping I would work a corporate office job meanwhile tinkering around in my one bedroom apartment while mommy slept peacefully down the street. 

In my mind life was going to be better than okay and would consistently stupefy me. Yet here I am living a future I never dreamed of still stunning, nothing like I imagined…perhaps that’s for the best there’s no telling what horrors lived in the other story. Sleeping, mingling with terrors of the heart, curly coils untucked coming back home after eleven years. Living in the house I grew up in, slumbering in the same room mommy slept in six years ago. Divorced papers saved to iBooks. Searching my body language for traces of her parenting because healing meant leaving earth. Breathing through situations that have crippled my mental exercises. No life isn’t how I thought, it catches my breath because I play the same game thinking I’ll be similar to who I am now. Unrecognizable, comfortable in my skin in who I am, this person thinks differently and the lady I’m becoming will look nothing like me now. 

Happy and whole when mommy was here unfortunately my relationship with God was severely lacking because it was birthed and sustained through the relationship she had with God…I needed my own. Not so happy anymore, feeling less than whole at times but I feel God’s presence on my face like He is standing in the room. The warmth of His bosom is so heavy it brings tears to my eyes, I found the relationship I needed when Father took His child home. Working out for my good, her leaving had nothing to do with me but God continues to step in granting me cover. I see mommy when I pray to Father. I feel her smile when God speaks my name. I hear her voice singing praises when God whispers prayers over my life. She is well. I am cared for. 

The vastness of God is unmatched when He can leave the ninety-nine to save the one while sustaining the majority He has more than enough power to save and care for all. I’m learning that strength is given while moving, while doing. Strong isn’t keeping a poker face or never asking for help, rather strength is accepting I’ll never be strong without God.