herlucidlife

I’m not in the season of loving someone other than myself. An area has been carved out for me to experience myself in an in depth way spearheaded by God. I took a mental break and floated toward the sky with my favorite substance. Already knowing I’ve outgrown this activity yet I continue to bring it around like it’s helpful. Puffy, gluttonous, swollen literally in pain from the amount of food in my stomach…the munchies. Sick to my core, not liking how I behave when intoxicated I had to make myself put it down. Going high to my first staff meeting at work, it was in that instant I felt like a child sitting amongst adults. Feeling ill equipped, lost in my new role, overwhelmed. I left the meeting knowing what I needed to do for me. 

Walking confidently in my being has always been something that seemed evident to those around me except for me. Or is confidence simply just hiding when you’re scared and portraying an act of readiness? Either way the jig is up in my book, I have no hidden covers to shiver behind. Card pulled, walking in this new role I find myself looking for someone to tell me what to do. Words sticking in my head “just do your job” expressed from the lead of our team wanting every person holding their role to simply walk firmly in their position. Trusting their instinct to lead their area, our leader is behind us looking for people who will take things off his plate. Holding too much as is, no one is free to hold my hand but God and myself. 

I’ve never viewed myself as an adult. Understanding I’m no longer a child yet something in me moves with an infant like timidness. Behaving as though I’m not sure of myself, asking for permission before moving forward yet that goes against what was spoken on in the meeting. Sensing I didn’t get the hint, I’ve been speaking with myself on how to show up for me thus also showing up for others. Questioning my ability to do the job I’ve been placed in, having a quiet talk with God He reminded me of all the things He’s brought me through. All the things He’s commanded me to do have been completed and done well. 

Doubt won’t help me now. I continue to whisper to myself, “you got this, one task at a time.” Embarking on a new journey, our space is growing at the workplace and it was nice to know that I’m not the only one feeling swamped, yet from the outside looking in it seemed I may have been the only one questioning if they’re the right person for the job. I remember the same feeling when mom died…will I be able to rely on myself? Will I make sure I’m okay and taken care of? Six years later and counting still here and healthy, I have to assume the same will happen for my position at work. Internalizing that this is not my forever place of residency, I also understand that a good work is being done in me. Here for molding and stretching I’ve never felt myself tangibly change. Physically feeling old parts of myself slide to the wayside.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling not recognizing yourself yet to still love a stranger while God helps you pick up the necessary pieces needed for this life. Thankful for the breaking it showed me how God uses pain for my benefit. Knowing His character better than before, He wants me to participate in this life with Him. Not an innocent bystander God is showing me the areas I should be speaking up…God I pray a sound comes out.