herlucidlife

Substance doesn’t cure what is broken. Habit wants to go back but knowing understands going deeper in God is the only way. Hair shedding from the stress of overthinking, canceling out the faith I need to have in God. Having trust in Him has not translated to the routine I’ve created in my head. Brain activity thinking it’s okay to figure out a solution to a problem I have no control over. Nothing to fight, nothing to fly from, circling in a sea of waiting for myself. I’m waiting for Father to show up for me, while He’s waiting for me to let go of it all. My heart is yearning for Him to give the okay. Not wanting to deal with the consequences of my own decisions He gave me a way out just for me to choose to struggle again. 

Counting down the days, jittery looking for the shoe to drop. God has been talking to me, giving me the comfort I need to know that He heard my cry and worked everything out. So why continue to muddle? Is it because God waits for His divine timing and not mine? Even at the last minute God is on time, not worried about the timeline of His earth. In our relationship the only one stressed is me, God is watching me pout and whimper…has He not given me so many reasons to trust His calculations? Always correct, never void or out of order…I will and need to trust in You. Working overtime to focus my mind on You, it’s working. Speaking with You, sensing Your hand in the midst OH GOD!

Mustard seed. My heart knows He’s working, though my mind likes to rely on the finiteness of fleshly eyes. I always ask God to grow my trust, strength and reliance on Him, yet I could not gain those things by living a life of no hardship or trials. I had the option to pick a later date, my impatience chose the latter but I sense God using my carelessness as a way to create a tighter bound with Him. Using muscles, intentionally aware of the flexing and contracting of the spiritual body. I didn’t want it but I’m seeing I needed this time of molding to fully understand what it means to hear God’s voice in every situation. Keeping my ears open for His speech, understanding that our relationship is built on trust in my spirit and not the inner workings of my mind. 

The mind is deceitful and will have me trying to underhand God’s commands and power over my life. She will continue to ring around the rosy until she sees God’s plan fully laid out, while my spirit is completely satisfied with not knowing each detail yet believing every detail will work for my good. 

Soon the mind will catch up.