herlucidlife

I still live my life as though mommy is coming back to pick up the pieces. Constantly looking for a human body to hold my hand through life, as though that person has an extra set to house what is already being cared for. Held back like a child not understanding the second grade. Bound by the fences in my brain, scalp releasing tension on my head by letting go of unneeded hairs. Focused on outside forces because it takes too much time to fix my own broken door. Stealing every ounce of joy I can find because it’s the only solution to having no problems. Life is smooth, no huge pile of mess to sort through, God has handled it all. Nothing to be upset over… let go of the leash and expand the wings God has blessed me with.

Fly because you can. Soar because God said it’s time. Sail because someone else needs to see your light shine. Be because life is shorter than it will ever be, so live because regret will be the only thing affecting your breath if not. So blessed, God never forgets to remind me of the love He’s placed over my life. Tangibly and spiritually God has made sure to tell me every moment of the day that His Hand is on my being. Several hours in and I’m already feigning for my hourly puff. Going through the day looking forward to the next high, nothing quite relaxes the shoulders like a hit to the brain.

Today was the day, thirty dollars of green lasts no longer than two maybe three days in my home. Scrapping the grinder like life depended on the inhaling of ignited herbs bursting into flames, engulfing my lungs in smog…magical mental elixir. No feeling feels like you, no experience feels quite the same without your presence. Thinking of the days to come, my mind has already added a layer of smut, nothing vibrant coming through. Finding mental rest these past days, it seems the bulb clicked on and my mind clicked off. Not muddling over life or the details it holds, simply smiling peacefully within my heart allowing my brain to be docile in the Hands of God…I’m relaxed.

Released from tension, body finding rest, sleeping better than ever comatose. Mind finding comfort in not over analyzing, understanding God is standing in the midst of every situation with me. Sending help my way, the question is will I accept help even though it doesn’t look like how I thought? Or would I take the help if it meant putting down my pride to say “I need it.” Messaging the man of my immediate dreams, wanting to feel his skin on mine, the memory of him will have to last the days til the next meeting. Moving slowly, beginning differently than any other relationship I’ve encountered. Open minded, no expectations, absolutely appreciative of the being he is, I’d have it no other way than to love exactly who he brings.

Creating alien experiences within myself, a smile coming across my face because I know God is literally answering a prayer right now. My God is always working on my behalf sending people because He is the only being knowing every struggle, He sends help because He is my help.