herlucidlife

Not ever having faith in love, fear of them walking away was there from the beginning…I don’t trust it. Is it my own leaving that has twisted my mind? Finding it hard to walk by faith on this one, new relationships always unravel me a bit. Clear headed got me digging deep into myself wanting to understand the mindset and the rotation of the gears in this noggin. I don’t like how my mind operates sometimes. Going to NA meetings every evening, listening to others who are doing the work to be clean, living clean is more than saying I won’t use. It’s doing the mental work to uncover why using is even an option, correcting the defects within ourselves. 

We were on track, communicating enough to stay a float. Apologizing for his lateness in responses, I told him “I hadn’t expected to hear from him and that anything was appreciated…” radio silence followed, vacationing in other lands, seems lack of expectation left room for him to do nothing at all. He stopped mid action, I can’t shake this feeling that I said too much or just the wrong thing. A fuddy duddy, my worst fear is that my honesty would push my guy away. Not mine speaking generally, this fear lives with any guy that seems to come around looking for more than friendship. I could say I’m trying not to jump to conclusions but I think the last couple paragraphs say otherwise. Head first in the ocean, drowning in emotions tomorrow will be better. 

More important things to consider and think about, really you hinder nor add anything to my daily life and at this point all I’ve felt is temporary happiness that seems like quicksand, nothing stable. Wanting to bow out, it all seems lustfully superficial, feeling safer sharing with strangers on the internet, creating videos spewing vulnerable hearts…my tongue stops moving when in front of your face, seems I can’t do the same with you around. Sensing you think I’m more healed than I am, I’ve been putting all the responsibility on you. It’s your fault I feel unkept, unwanted and unsafe but that’s unfair when really all those things are my responsibility only. Holding myself from you taking cues from your speech I keep quiet to spare my own heart. 

That didn’t work either. A month later no deeper than what we were before, is time being wasted or is it just slow? It was a good run, I’m not sure what to think or say. My dear readers have seen the ugly way my mind twists into hideous situations, witnessing the fear behind my eyes. I’m tired.