herlucidlife

I always speak too soon then the tides change. Not being able to control the other person I am powerless over their actions and mind. Trying to not overthink the absence you’ve created, suppose I’ve co-signed since speech has not left my mouth either…I’d rather give rope so you can hang yourself more, letting the noose build. Watching from a distance, it seems you’ve backtracked from being in my face to just fading into the background. Trolling, giving the bare minimum because I expect nothing from you at all. You act like I said something wrong or off putting, either way I care more than I’d like too…I’m praying the concern begins to fade because this no longer feels worth it. 

Funny how attraction has ebb and flow, one moment it’s high and the next it’s damn near non-existent. Affection for you is wavering, I would be lying if I said it wouldn’t hurt my feelings for it to end but I’d have peace of mind in knowing the wrong guy was no longer hanging around thus leaving space for the correct guy. Either way I’ve settled on knowing I’ll be alright. God’s Hand always has something better than expected. As the expectation isn’t my authority but His, I’d rather focus on my part…the obedience. 

Pulling away in my heart, feet fully out the door. Not belonging to anyone special, seems you could’ve been playing games…I’m not too particular in staying around to witness the destruction. Watching your actions unfold, noticing the uneasiness I’ve felt in my gut trying my best to ignore the obvious gnawing from day one. Making excuses, thinking that maybe it was the time frame until it dawned that it’s been two months of the same boring conversation going nowhere. Holding on for the sake of holding, nothing is forming but wasted time. Getting what we both wanted physically, while leaving the emotional and spiritual needs on the shelf we already knew incompatibility was evident. Deciding to cut my losses, taking my heart off the table, yours was never up there anyway. 

Looking to move on, I’ve already begun removing you from social platforms, as to not rile my mental health. I don’t care to dissect what happened, your side of the story isn’t needed as the inconsistent actions were enough for me to pull away. Left on read, never returning my message, trolling looking enough to keep tabs bold enough to react but not speak, childish behavior from someone who claimed to be a man. No longer looking for you to come my way, wasting my breath on you. I would be lying if I said I didn’t care or that my feelings weren’t hurt a little bit. Removing you from my life, meaning your number is deleted, blocked on one and unfollowed on all. I’ve not liked how I felt since being around you, ignoring my emotions was never smart at the off chance this could be something special…I knew it wasn’t and would never be. 

Could I say good riddance? I really want to. Confusion makes it hard for myself to reach it because I don’t want to, you’ll have to do that workload yourself and it seems you already put down the foundation…I won’t chase you. Love is not one sided, affection is a two way street even God expects love from His children, so you are no different. Love for love, affection for affection, nothing to repay it’s given freely out of genuine care for the other. 

Don’t come around trying to swoon, you’ve already lost…can you tell I’m bothered I wasted a whole page on you. I hope I don’t sound bitter, I’m just a little bruised.