herlucidlife

Trying to give a human I’d known for years a chance. Your absence has been on my mind, enough energy to post everything else but say hello. Not chasing you anymore it’s allowing me to see the tainted energy you were giving all along, just enough to be enough. Making excuses for the lackluster shine on the pretty promises you gave. Feelings hurt, giving too much again just for it to end up with yet another thinking getting over is okay. Dancing in the probationary period, losing the job.

Nothing was done for you to ghost me. I purposely gave room to see if you truly wanted me…seems the space said no. Tolerating me to get what you wanted, I was hoping it would be more including you in my prayers, yearning for true love I thought it was you. I was never sure about it, feeling something in my gut saying this shouldn’t be tried, I went against the grain anyway. Not housing what I needed, hoping you had other things really if the spirit isn’t right then nothing else matters. Getting you out of my system, I can move on happily knowing I gave it my best shot while never feeling emotionally safe with you. Reading it back, why would I ever go along with something clearly wrong for me? Must have been the high. 

I always become conflicted. I never like to discard someone, yet in the end we both get hurt because some ties shouldn’t go past the expiration date. Having a hard time giving others grace, specifically men that come toting good words with incompatible actions. Questioning myself and the intent I had in your company, trying to be the most loving, did I do enough for you? I’m in the mood to fall in love but I don’t believe you’re the guy. I keep talking about it because my mind won’t shut up about it. I always feel guilty when I break up with someone. I really don’t want your side because it will make me feel worse about the decision I know is right. Yet, I will give you that courtesy. My biggest concern is that you’ll say something to bruise me more than your actions have.

I’m still questioning myself because you were so convincing I don’t know what’s true. God doesn’t live in confusion so He’s clearly not breathing in this situation. Blocking my life from your eyes, I don’t want to be trolled by someone that can’t even speak. Acting like you don’t know my scent, behaving as though you didn’t sit on my couch inside my body. Childish. Doing adult things doesn’t translate to the mind. Boyish stuck in “back-then-ville,” you seem stuck on being who you used to be but that person is dead and you’ll kill yourself trying to bring it back to life. I’ve not cried, rather I’m glad it’s come to an end.

I’ve learned a couple laughs and sexually intimacy are not the correct ingredients for a true relationship. Rather the makings of a broken foundation, never going deep, not alluding to who you truly are I’m not even sure you know. Traveling around the world, sometimes running can look luxurious until the light behind your eyes goes out and not even your own mother can see it anymore. I saw nothing in your eyes but lust and regret because you couldn’t relive the glory years. By the way they weren’t that glorious even when people back then tried to tear you down so why fight so hard to go back? 

Suppose I wasn’t safe enough for you…I felt the same about you.