herlucidlife

Emotional in my decision making down to the core. I’m now seeing that rational thinking is a mirage I’ve cooked up. You the reader have witnessed the emotional roller coaster that is my mind going off half cocked into frenzies, reactive at its best. I’m learning to be proactive. Human ain’t cute, it’s raw, tainted and half the time too ugly for the everyday person to stand but somehow God looks at me with love and care in His eyes. I’m getting tired. I’ll be back in several hours when perhaps my mind has calmed down a little. 

Romantic love being on hiatus shouldn’t dull the magnificent love God gives me everyday, it shouldn’t bring gray hues to the love my friends and family bless me with. Just for today God’s love is enough. Just for today the love of friends and family will be a life line. Just for today the love received from meeting members will bring me joy. Just for today the love I have for myself will be my breath. Just for today every love is enough. I will not focus on the current lack or future abundance of romantic love for when it enters my life it will simply coat my existence in gold enhancing all the other loves. Just for today I choose to be grateful because I am alive, clean and most importantly loved. 

I was honest with him, yet somehow I feel worse about myself and emotions. Being called irrational because my emotions didn’t fit into the box, maybe I’m upset with myself because deep down I felt logic slip out of my mind. Crawling into a whole, embarrassment painting my face red calling myself everything but a child of God. Just wanting to feel important in this person’s life, emotions whirling, not trusting the voice in my head, no gut feeling to move on. I simply just want to leave, always pushing the guy away. I’m the type of person to share my feelings then block you because I don’t want confrontation. I don’t want another voice telling me I’m being unreasonable because my feelings were hurt from lack of communication, or that I took things too seriously, yet again misplaced energy has me not wanting to be me.

You hurt my feelings, yet somehow I walked away feeling even more beat down. You don’t care and that’s okay because deep down I could care less about what you’re going through because it doesn’t affect my life in any way. So defective not working on my flaws, the outside may look okay but the inside is ugly. Emotionally unavailable, all I see are the ruins in my own garden. No good for or to anyone in this state, perhaps this situation just showed me that I’m not ready for anything heavier than nothing at all. People ask if I’m dating, I say “it didn’t work out with the last person.” Truth is I never had the patience to make it work, never had the grace to be compassionate, never had the mental fortitude to see my own emotional demise. To be “never” is to break at the first sight of uneasiness.

Not wanting to be that person I’m learning I’m everything I never wanted to be.