herlucidlife

I laugh because the up and down motion of my chest soothes my heart. Affect has left my face, operating through exhaustion. Day two of working two jobs and already I’m questioning if I’m built for this. Not caring about the job hanging on because I believe God wants me here for a reason that is more than financial. Trusting God through what this is supposed to be, none of it really makes sense and I’ve let go of ever wanting anything in this life to make sense. At this point all I can gather is that maybe I rely too much on physical comfort more than God. 

Wanting to tap out, knowing beforehand it wouldn’t be easy, I’m trying to stick around for the lesson, the reward, whatever God is trying to show me. Leaving beforehand could mean I’d have to learn the lesson another way but either decision takes immense trust in God. Already feeling worked to death, I never wanted this kind of life for myself. Thinking too much about things I can’t change because they’re in the past, I’m still a little hurt by the ending of a recent fling. Everything about it still angers me to the point of irritation and pissed off-ness. I could care less about whether he’s moved on or not because that will not ease the emotional state I walk in everyday. 

Wants and needs are completely different until God enters my midst changing my wants into needs, aligning my heart with His, desires morphing into heavenly things. Setting sight on my next compulsion, my mind has begun to obsess over the next boy I like. Chewing on the details of our encounter like cud, squeezing any juice out of what I can find. The meat is tender, savory, and unforgettable. Walking around each other in college on the same cheer team, younger than I he seemed boyish back then…manhood looks good on him. Maturity in the face and brain, reacquainted at a party our dear friend threw. Feeling like we had our first date at Waffle House, surrounded by our companions asking questions of me, gaining interest I was smitten even my friend across the table could tell my eyes had glazed over in googly fashion. 

Watching, paying attention to my doing in a crowded room. Fighting the urge to do extra, staying in my lane trying to learn from the last couple of mistakes. Yes, sometimes knowing certain folks is a mistake, the only lesson learned is to not go down that path again. Fixing myself was the only lesson enforced but I already knew that perhaps I understand more clearly what is broken. Trying to stand by what I think is best for me, every time I’ve reached out to a guy it’s gone horribly wrong in every way possible. Sitting in my little corner of life, plate so full, stomach is pounding, mind is reeling… I barely have enough time to get good rest. Taking my body and mind time to catch up and shake back, it’s hard to be grateful when perspective is jacked up.

Blessed with more than enough, even those come with cons. It’s easy to complain because each upgraded level has its own set of circumstantial woes. Problems, emotional baggage, is always present…more and more I’m seeing everything comes down to emotion and perspective, mindset is a choice.