herlucidlife

I had to word vomit just to stay a float, life morphing into seasons I didn’t think I’d live through. I am more than grateful to be here, to be clean, actually managing emotions because life will always be unmanageable to some extent. I tend to obsess over the boy I like when life becomes a little too overwhelming, yet when I take a step back nothing has changed except an added source of income. Thankfully, the job is easy, taking very little mental strain…seems there’s nothing to stress about. Perhaps another compulsion is thinking of the next guy I’m attracted to but never doing anything to make my full emotions known. Fortunately for me I don’t see this person on a regular basis so the memory of them will fade overtime, including the obsession. 

Having a clean birthday, nothing in my system to create a different sensation in my body. It’s been more than five years since I had a clean birthday. The last one that comes to mind was when mommy was on this earth. Walking closer and closer to self acceptance, tapping into the worth I hold in my energy, others notice the infectiousness of my aura. Dancing up a sweat, no one else on the floor but me vibing to the company I house within myself, loving the way the music made my body move. I’d always been scared to behave as I wanted without a little liquid courage, crazy it just made me more of a coward. True courage is being myself without nothing at all, giving myself permission to be me is all I need. 

I started a second job, hoping to bring in some extra income. Working just one week my body couldn’t take the stress. Four hours into my first shift, I felt a radiating pain in my right and left shoulder that seemed to flow into my back and chest. Working through the pain the job wasn’t physically strenuous just simply standing and walking manning the self checkout at a major grocery store. Immediately the pain went away when I clocked out. Going through the work day at my first job, resting at home when I had the time, the pain was absent from my body. I noticed that the same pain would occur only during my second job about two hours into each shift. What made me quit were the skipped heart beats I felt during the pain, happening three times in one night. I managed to get through the last shift but knew I couldn’t return. 

Running on empty, barely no sleep, irritable I barely had time to eat dinner. My body wasn’t shaking back. Simply wanting a savings account, perhaps an emergency fund to help when life kicks in like it always does. God spoke through my body, working myself to the bone was showing lack of trust in His plan. It takes more faith to work my part time job at the church, doing odd jobs for a family friend than to have a little coin that would be no good if I fall severely ill. Knowing I couldn’t get through the next eight hour shift in that condition, I do too much as is. Squeezing in NA meetings at eleven o’clock at night trying to prioritize recovery while sneaking in God’s Word. Hoping I have enough to create content to promote three separate forms of social media.

I commend those that work more than one job, that go without sleep to provide for their families. I couldn’t do it, nor is my body able to handle that type of stress. I’m thankful that with diligent budgeting and consistency I’ll be alright. As God has always provided and He will continue to do so. I was disappointed in myself because I really wanted to do it, having grandiose plans in my head but God saw something different. Assuming it was His voice telling me to get the job perhaps I heard wrong. Redirecting me, I no longer feel ashamed because at least I tried to do His will in every decision I’ve made.