herlucidlife

I know for a fact I live out prayers mom spoke over me with tears in her eyes. My life is so divine, I know I’m living prayers out to this day of those that spoke over me in silence, those prayers I have no clue about. I see them manifest in my life everyday. At some point a boisterous noise should come from my mouth exclaiming praises to The Most High. Self acceptance is teaching me how to worship God out loud, without shame or concern of who could be watching. Even when God commands action out of me, gladness doesn’t mean I necessarily “like” the act but that grumbling is not in my spirit. Gladness is cultivated from God, He puts joy and desire into my heart to do His will. Without God I would not have that desire independent of Him. 

My heart has been feeling docile. I’ve become aware of more shortcomings than just drug use. Flawed decision making in the small details of life have become my biggest compulsion and obsession. God spoke to me in my quiet time, reading James chapter one. Trials and maturity, I had often thought of trials and tests as these huge events of life, such as beginning a new career, marriage, divorce, or whether to have children. Yet God showed that not every trial is huge but rather in the minute details of life. For anything going against His will, what He’s asked me to do is a sin thus a trial and perhaps a test I passed or failed. Trials or decisions aid in the maturity process God has me on. 

Spending money on things I don’t need or that can wait, budgeting is not my strong suit. Choosing to intake foods that have little nutritional value simply because it looks or tastes good is a compulsion that is exacerbated by physical disease of high blood pressure and cholesterol. Coming out of the womb with these things already in my blood, I can no longer blame my father for hereditary things. For he never forced me into substance abuse of all kinds. Substance is anything that takes my eye and heart off of God’s will. Living in denial, it hurts to think that I’m the problem because I can’t blame anyone or thing or circumstance for my actions. Working on myself is a full time job, often taking mental health days from myself. I have to purposely choose to not look at myself with a microscope some days. 

I was too emotional to give grace and forgiveness in my last romantic encounter. It still burns me up how I behaved, embarrassed by my thought process it kept me in denial. Wanting to blame everything on him, I knew deep down he did everything he thought was right and acceptable. Rather it was my fault for hiding my true feelings about certain things, not speaking up when I should have, assuming that he knew because I knew he didn’t. Nothing done on purpose or with malicious intent, it’s sad how the truth doesn’t change already set in stone emotions. I had no control over them and allowed them to run rampant morphing what I thought would’ve been a good thing. Perhaps God sent that person to reveal what I lack inside myself, some relationships aren’t meant to last yet the lesson I will never forget.