herlucidlife

I read a comment from a dear friend and it made me tear a little, not wanting the water to fall. I’m fighting it back. It’s sad but sometimes I forget how much God loves being in my company. Perhaps it slips my mind because I don’t spend enough time in His. Yet, walking with Him, residing where God stays is not just being in His word or praying but it’s also simply living how He wants me to live daily, laughing despite hurt, not ignoring pain but allowing myself to feel everything…because He feels everything with me. When it comes to love I’m always looking for the next one because it seems what I have is so far from what I need I thirst for the real thing. God shows unmeasurable love everyday yet sometimes I have a hard time believing that love exists in a person. 

I don’t want to be unsatisfied in my relationship with God because I’m looking for someone outside of Him. Why isn’t His presence enough? I’m learning how to make it more than enough that it stops my eye from looking past Him. I live my life as if I can right the wrongs by correcting the future. Sometimes I look over the hurt I feel in my heart because if I stare too long I just crumble, wallow, oftentimes wanting to use my drug of choice. Everyday God is removing that desire but the hurt feelings are always present. Forcing my mind to move past disappointment, God doesn’t see me how I see me. 

I do wish I hadn’t made the mistake of talking to certain guys. I’d love to never give my body as a bargaining chip. I’d hope and pray for the perfect time machine to maybe do things differently, to not be an addict but really all those things just magnified the love God has for me. Maybe if I were anyone else I would miss what God has planned for this being I am today. He’s changed my perspective on life. I used to sit with so much shame for what I’d done in the past that I never really wanted to share what I’d done, or what I coward away from. Not saying that I always speak up now yet there’s peace in knowing that even my sins were written into His plan. I lack imagination to the point where I have no clue what to think if my life were different and in some part I like how this one is turning out. 

I’ve heard the stories of others and I’m glad I’m not them. I’ve witnessed the trauma friends and family have gone through and I’d never sign up for those life courses. The lessons God has for me are hard enough, I have peace today. No drama, no backbiting, true people in my corner loving on me as I cherish them so. I looked around and somehow God restored quiet and calm. I remember sitting in my pain, physically feeling my heart hurt like I had been punched in the chest every second of the day. It seemed my psyche would not rise. Yet here I am. I remember seeing this day right here so perfectly in my head, feeling like it would never come. Believing in God’s will is like seeing an oasis, sometimes life creates mirages that take my eye off God and I get discouraged that His will left my life. But if I look real closely His will is not a mirage but an oasis in the desert.