herlucidlife

Life can be draining, desolate, dreary, and feel meaningless. God brings life when I’ve run out, company when alone, sunny when all I see is tsunamis, and purpose when I no longer want to live by the will I chose for myself. Crazy how God can renew my mind and I feel like a new person like I never walked through the dirt to get clean. I pray I never forget where He brought me from. It’s so precious to not yearn for the affection of every guy though my mind likes to obsess. I compassionately tell myself to leave it alone, surrender it to God and know that what effort I put in is enough. Always wanting to do extra, asking unnecessary questions, digging when there’s nothing to dig up. Maybe God is not asking me to do extra but just enough. Enough is obedient without running past God to reach the goal. Enough is walking behind God knowing He’ll take it the rest of the way. God is extra and I’m enough. Extra is trying to control a narrative I have no authority over. Extra is wanting to be obedient while also telling God how to do His job…extra can be disobedient. It’s too much. 

I’ve surrendered the dating scene. I no longer do more than enough but just a little, just enough that feels good to my gut obedient to God and literally nothing else. Though I’ve talked myself off a couple ledges I’m thankful God is talkative and always directs my path. I’m satisfied with myself, I long for a realness that I’m learning to give myself and enjoy in God. Father is training my heart to yearn Him more than the next guy. I couldn’t choose God without Him first choosing me. Loving Him is impossible if He’d never put that desire in my heart. With God all things are possible but without Him everything is impossible. A lost love populated my dreams the other night, reminding me of the recent relationship that had ended though I didn’t need a reminder. Not thinking we should retry rather I understood it was just my heart healing some wounds. 

My emotional cup overflows though I’m mature in how I handle them now. I keep them for myself, holding them tightly like little children throwing a tantrum, rubbing them to peacefulness. I know it’s okay to let them be felt. Surrendering feels like not always needing to be in the mix sometimes knowing that absence is the best choice. Perhaps it simply looks like doing what God commanded, nothing more nothing less. Not always easy or liked but definitely beneficial to all involved, even innocent bystanders get a whiff of the scent the goodness of God gives off. Growing, stretching everyday living in these walls, I look back on a time when I wanted to run from my home simply because it had witnessed too much hurt. Grateful, thankful beyond rejoice for her still being in my life, there are somethings you can’t run away from. 

My vice has always been unhealthy food, shoveling in things that don’t benefit my body by the boatloads. A sick pleasure mixed with stress rushes over my mind when things that taste salty coated in saturated fats housed by artificial antibodies. Coming to my father’s home to spend time with family as a home going service was held for his older brother. His side of the family is riddled with heart disease, things that usually take our people out cold. Scared to death of leaving this earth the way my father did, my body has already turned against me with the passing down of heart issues. My obsession and compulsion to eat things that exacerbate those health issues is not doing any better. Following in his footsteps, it’s the evil desires within me that cause me to choose the wrong decision. I want to do God’s will even down to what I eat and drink. He wouldn’t want me doing this to the body He gifted me with for it is a temple that is often treated like a trash dump. My home is cleaner than the flesh I inhabit. Knowing better does not always equate to doing better for that does not change the heart toward the issue.