herlucidlife

I’ve been slacking on NA meetings, getting burnt out on the responsibility it takes to not use certain drugs. Haven’t gone to a meeting in almost a week, working the steps has been put on pause for weeks, feeling emotionally great while running thin. Going on a date is like interviewing for a job, just because it goes well doesn’t mean you’ll be selected for the position. The uncertainty of it all feels like walking on gravel, the ability to fall is the most likely. Forcing my mind off the subject, thinking of other things in my control, I can only do so much and at the moment I really don’t want to do anything. Repainting the house to fit my current vibe and energy it feels like I moved across the country. Newness has set into the walls I call home, putting effort into changing my surroundings has created peace and reassurance in my mind. 

Internalizing God has not forgotten about me, He shows His concern every single day. Actions always aligning with His words, thank God for His unchanging consistency. I haven’t talked to my sponsor in a month or so, give or take a couple days. I haven’t used a mind or mood altering substance though the other things I like have kicked in a little. God is keeping me from using, leaning on His strength as long as I don’t pick up no matter what I can stay the course of a clear mind and heart. Souls can get cluttered and clouded by the ways of this world. Only God can clean the gutters, though He shows me how to use the tools the removal of baggage is done on His timing. One day I will look up and have the promises God has for me. Yet, I walk in gratitude knowing I already live in a multitude of truths He spoke over my life already. My existence is a dream He brought to me, living and breathing well. I can believe He has brought me this far because I see it everyday. 

I went on the best first date I’ve ever been on. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun with a new friend. Nothing lustful or physically intimate too fast; it was something of wholesome fun mixed with heavy subtle attraction. It was nice. It was sweet. It was what I needed for the moment. Not too keen on going too far in the future, I’d rather just suck on the sweet nectar of the night and nothing more. Rather than thinking too much about what it could or could not be, I want God to direct me to what it needs to be. For the time being I’ve been enjoying focusing on my own straight path. Lately, life has been thoroughly enjoyable, not making myself feel heavy about the past or weighing down the future with unnecessary expectations. 

Surrender holds peace in knowing that everything works out for my good and I don’t need to overwork the mental for life to go the way it needs too. I like that aspect of life. Life is hard but I’ve often made it a lot harder than what it needed to be. God’s blessings have always been abundant in my life, goodness pouring out like a never ending well. Crust leaving my eyes, wallowing has ceased and I can actively enjoy each blessing. God is more than good to me. Father is more than great at His job. The blood of Jesus is more than clean, washing away every stain granting love and salvation I could never lose or gain extra of. Constantly at one hundred percent, belief and faith is the only catalyst needed to obtain it, no action needed yet any action after salvation is simply done out of love for God but never to earn His love. 

Thank God I didn’t have to earn His love but it was given freely, willingly. All it takes is belief, do it so God can set your soul free like mine has been.