herlucidlife

Head stuck in the clouds, buried in the sand. Nervous to speak clearly because you read my heart like braille. I’m still scared to share my heart fully because the outcome is nerve racking. That’s the thing about someone’s presence, it’s always felt even after the dust has settled. Whispering heavy words over a dimly lit table. It was a live fantasy of sorts, in an instant life felt real, time began to feel felt between the two things seemed too tangible. Real fast. I don’t like how I feel. Chained at the hip, emotions going deep saying things that weighed tons…can the foundation set take all the weight?

One night stretched across most of the week. Basking in the aura of your presence I felt safe, good, cared for and racked with a dark ghost of a past memory because some roads we’ve crossed seemed identical to my last torn relationship. I told you I wasn’t scared but the more time we spent together, the more it seemed the lovey dovey energy got tired of showing its face…fear was underneath. Relapse, falling, not being down on myself for failing because it revealed unhealthy cycles. Partner smoking with a guy that holds my attention like an ungodly idol. He’s my person, my little light in a dimly lit mind. I miss him, he just left it felt weird when he left though I knew he had to go. 

I can’t shake off this unsettled feeling. Some words wouldn’t leave my mouth, when gazing at his face. I want him to see something I’m not sure I want to be. I love God but my actions say otherwise. I’ve been called hypocritical and contradictory more times than I can count in every serious relationship…words like this cut like a knife because you can’t see how damaged I already feel. If eyes had words mine would tell no lie. Emptiness and loneliness rushed into my face when you left. I may sound crazy, space feels barren while too much skin feels suffocating. You’ll be gone soon pursuing a heart felt venture, learning a new skill, made me consider what am I willing to invest in myself. 

Selfish to want to be fitted in when really I’ve not been left out, smelling your cologne hours after you left it made me sick to my stomach the reminder of being alone again. Attached too quickly, I have no chill when something is promising. I’m ready and that scares me because I question if I’m able to give what my mouth said I would.  He’s the best, raw, unfiltered and imperfect…we make quite the twins. Just please when you see me acting fearful, unhinged, and possibly the exact opposite of what I preach, don’t call me hypocritical and contradictory…instead see me as human, flawed, and trying the best I can with the character flaws of my mind because I don’t do enough to change them. Self-inflicted wounds are real and they tear with every bad decision.